


astronomy in reverse

by Taliehere



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eventual Relationships, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Peter is just doing his best, Shrieking Shack, background Lily/James, but its not good enough honestly, eventual snape, imma yeet myself, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2018-11-16 18:29:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11258499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliehere/pseuds/Taliehere
Summary: How the stars found Remus Lupin.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I just want them to be happy.
> 
>  

Remus Lupin knows how to spend time alone, he has spent his whole life alone. He  knows that his mother and father have done the best they can, he knows that his father blames himself for his son’s lycanthropy, he knows that his mother cries on the full moon, and most of all Remus Lupin knows that werewolf children do not have friends.

 

The neighborhood kids did not know, of course, why he could never come out to play, and Remus Lupin knew all too well what his mother means when she says, “Are you sure you can go out and play with Grant and Tim? The nights have their magic Remus.”

In his mother's eyes it was always too close to the full moon for him to be among the muggle children. So he stayed inside, and on the full moon he went “camping” and did his best to forget what it felt like to have friends.

 

 

Remus Lupin knows every constellation visible from the roof of his house in London. His father spells the roof to allow the lights of the stars to outshine the city brights after watching his son trying to count the stars in the sky. Lyall Lupin wears guilt on his back and buys his son every book on astronomy that he can get his hands on. The expansion spell on Remus’ bookshelf allows them all to fit, but only just, and Remus learns about the stars.

 

He started with the children’s guides, meant for easy use and school teachers with syllabus requirements, then quickly progressed to the thicker books of star charts and constellation names that he could never spell on his own. Remus Lupin watched the stars chase each other across the sky, wished to become a part of it, liked the moon best on its last day of waning, and memorized the lines in the sky.

 

 

Year One

 

Remus Lupin spends hours atop the astronomy tower upon his entry to Hogwarts. He finds his stars again, the ones that are his favorites, orients himself with the shift in angle, and watches the sky in the same manner as before. He does not know the names of the boys who share his dormitory, and he tries not to feel guilty when one of them has nightmares of wolves. Remus Lupin stops sleeping in his bed and falls asleep trying to decipher the sky, back pressed to the cold stones of the tower. He knows that McGonagall sees him sneak up, but because she hasn’t stopped him yet, he continues his night time trips to the highest point in the castle.

McGonagall started to leave him books of muggle constellations and their myths, and for the second time in his A.B. (After Bite) life, he had something to look forward to at the end of the day. He flew through the books left outside his bed, lifted the heaviest star charts to try to apply to his stars above the castle. The story of the hunter and his dog, the predator’s club turned to a second companion through translation error. The Bootes constellation felt like a metaphor for his life. Remus Lupin found himself lost in the challenge of constellation maps that didn’t move for you, and learned everything that the Hogwarts library could teach him about the cosmos.

It almost feels like contentment, but Remus Lupin is too afraid to hope for that. 


	2. Year Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter probably told McGonagall that James and Sirius are the ones who greased every door handle in the school, which they did, but snitches get stitches from mean medi witches and all that.

 Remus Lupin starts his second year at Hogwarts the same way he lived the first. He slides out of bed as his peers fall asleep and climbs the steps to the astronomy tower, grateful to be back to his perch in the night sky. He stops short when there is already someone lying across the tower floor, has a brief second in which he is afraid they might be dead, and then experiences the wash of relief as the figure takes a breath out. Remus Lupin makes a noise, and the person -the boy- stands up quickly, as if he’s been caught. The boy is unfamiliar, but because Remus Lupin has spent an entire year alienating his fellow students, that could mean anything. The boy has the same red piping on his robes that he does and can’t be much younger than him. The boy doesn’t say anything and Remus Lupin clears his throat to speak. The boy beats him to it.

 “You aren’t supposed to be here, it’s after curfew.”

 Remus Lupin bristles. “Professor McGonagall knows I come here, could you say the same?” He raises his eyebrows challengingly, and knows that he looks more dangerous than the boy who doesn’t know him, knows his eyes always look darkened, knows that his curly hair sticks up like a madman’s at night and he stares down the boy who dares to question his actions.

 The boy, for his part is doing a substandard job of trying not to look terrified, he wrings his hands and his mousy hair falls over one dim eye. “My friends aren’t really happy with me right now, and I can't go back to my room.”

 Remus Lupin rolls his eyes. “Look rat face, it really isn’t my fault that you pissed your friends off.” At least you have some, he wants to add. He pulls out his personal star chart and unfolds it, starts the spells that will realign it with the castle’s position. Remus Lupin has been using this map of the sky to follow only his favorite constellations this summer; he intends on continuing to do so through the year. The Bootes hunter and his dogs stalk their prey across the sky. No annoying kid is going to mess this up.

 The kid watches his spell work on the map in silence until the stars on the chart match the sky. When he is finished he sighs and looks at the boy next to him. “I’m Remus Lupin.”

 “I know.” Says the boy. "You belong to the empty bed in my dorm." Remus raises an eyebrow. "I-I mean," The boy stutters. “I’m Peter. Pettigrew.”

 Remus Lupin nods, “Okay.” and he goes back to the stars.

 Peter clears his throat, “You’re not going to-” he kicks a pebble. “You won’t tell McGonagall I’m here?”

 Remus Lupin sighs again. “Don’t give me a reason to Pettigrew.”

**

 Peter Pettigrew has not made many friends on his own. He knows he had at least one friend at the school he went to before Hogwarts, but he isn’t sure that his teacher didn’t just take pity on him and set another kid up with the job of hanging out with him. James and Sirius are great, but he knows that to them he’s the one they could do without, knows that without his own pestering, he wouldn’t be a part of their little group at all. When Remus Lupin keeps showing up at the top of the astronomy tower even though he can expect Peter to be there, it feels a bit like friendship.

 **

 Remus Lupin climbs the steps to the tower lookout and chides himself for being upset one tuesday when Peter is not there. Above all else, Remus Lupin knows that werewolf children do not have friends.

 **

 Peter is gone for a week, Remus Lupin gets used to the silence of only his own breaths, and settles back into the solitary life he can see stretch before his eyes. He has almost fallen asleep when there is noise from under the trapdoor that leads to his current perch on the roof. There are voices in what can only be an argument, and then the door swings open to reveal- nothing? The whispered argument seems to go one for a minute longer, and the trapdoor swings shut. Remus Lupin slides back against the only wall of the astronomy tower that isn’t crumbling, and almost yelps when three boys appear; one of whom is his missing astronomy partner. Peter looks scathingly at the two other boys and then at Remus Lupin and says nothing.

 “Well I’ll be Merlin’s grandad, pipsqueak wasn’t lying. There truly is a vampire at our school.” The boy with shaggy black hair looks Remus Lupin up and down. “I have to admit I did not see this coming.”

 The other boy who is not Peter rolls his eyes and sticks out a hand. “I’m James, this is Sirius. We’re Peter's friends.”

 Remus Lupin shakes the offered hand. “Remus Lupin.”

 Sirius shakes his head and starts to examine the star chart spread out on the stone. “Believe us mate, we know. All we’ve been hearing for the past week is Remus this and Remus that. It’s enough to drive a man insane.”

 “Lucky you’re no man then.” Peter grumbles, but Sirius ignores him and continues with his examination of Remus Lupin’s constellation maps.

 “You’re not even tracking the best stars.” Sirius uses his wand to tap the trails of points where the lines of stars meet. “All this about Bootes hunt and you aren’t even tracking the canis constellations.”

 Remus Lupin sniffs. “And I suppose that you know all about astronomy then.”

 Sirius tilts his head. “Well, yeah. I should hope so.”

 “And why’s that?”

 “I’m Sirius Black, this shit has been forced down my throat since I was four.”

 Remus Lupin knows of the Black family. How they’re rumored to be part of occult groups that hunt werewolves, how they all go crazy, how they’re all named after stars. He doesn’t say anything to the boy trying to alter his map.

 James speaks next. “Sirius that’s really not your chart to mess with.” He talks quietly, but with enough authority that Sirius pauses in ministrations with the parchment. James seems to sense that Remus Lupin Is Not Happy with someone else touching his things.

 Sirius looks surprised that someone wouldn't want his help. “I don’t think our local vampire minds.” He glances at Remus Lupin. “Right?”

 Remus Lupin opens his mouth to speak, but it is Peter’s voice to cut the night silence. “He made me wash before I was allowed to touch his map. I really doubt he wants your grubby hands on it.”

 Sirius laughs at this, but backs away from the stars. “Peter Pettigrew makes a friend and grows a spine, all in the same week. Sorry mate, I won’t touch your chart.”

 Remus Lupin lets out a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I do actually know what I’m doing there you know.”

 An awkward silence is broken by a noise that comes from below the trapdoor and James pulls a cloak out and open around him. “All aboard who’re coming aboard.”

 Sirius and Peter exchange looks and then huddle under James’ arms. “Coming Lupin?” James asks.

 “Coming where?”

 Sirius looks confusedly at him. “Back to the common room of course, you are gryffindor aren’t you?”

 Remus is not any less confused by this statement. “And you’re all going back under one cloak?”

 James wiggles his eyebrows. “It’s for invisibility. So we don’t get caught.”

 “Oh I’m fine then.”

 Sirius looks at Remus Lupin as if he’s the crazy one. “Mate, someone is down there, and they’re going to see you leave.

 Remus Lupin shrugs. “It’s McGonagall. She knows I come up here.”

 “And she’s okay with that?”

 Remus Lupin shrugged again.

 James has had enough with the back and forth. “Your funeral. We’re going back.”

 Remus Lupin folds up his stars and turns back to the boys, but does not get under the cloak. “Lead the way boys.” When all three of them stare at him he rolls his eyes as if it's obvious. “If I open and close the trap door it’s not suspicious. A floating hand however…” he lets the sentence trail off as the implications of his words sink in.

 Sirius grins and he looks vicious. “We have got to keep him around.”

 **

 Remus Lupin does not expect Sirius’ statement to hold. He has gotten through an entire year at Hogwarts without any friends, and suspects it is easier that way- for a werewolf. It is easy to be a sickly kid if nobody notices that you’re missing once a month. He finds it harder to explain to his new friends why he is absent so frequently, why his bed is hardly slept in. Sirius is convinced that the boy he found atop the tower is a vampire, and Remus Lupin lets him think it, lets the tiny misdirect do the work of a thousand lies. Peter is the boy who had the nightmares first year, but they stop when Remus Lupin tells him how infrequently wolves attack humans. He doesn't mention that the ratio is much higher for werewolves. He continues his nighttime jaunts to the astronomy tower, now usually with company; frequently Peter, even more frequently Sirius, and by the end of the year Remus Lupin looks up to find that he has friends.

 This year his train ride back home to London is not spent in the stony silence of a compartment full of misfits. This year Remus Lupin is surprised to find out how loud four boys can be. He is not expecting the chorus of “write me this summer” that the boys shout at his back as he meets his father at the station. His father looks pleased, if not surprised that Remus Lupin has made some friends.

 “Was that a Potter boy? And a Black?” He asks.

 Remus Lupin throws a glance over his shoulder where the boys are harassing a man that must be James’ father. “Potter yes, but I don’t think that Sirius likes to associate with his family.

 His father does not look upset by this. “And the third boy then?”

 “Peter Pettigrew.”

 Lyall makes a huffing noise. “Is he the one with the muggle father who ran off?”

 Remus thinks about this for a second. They don’t really talk about anyone’s families except his and James’, the others seem reluctant, and he knows that the three of them are all living with the Potters for the summer. He was asked to join them, declined for obvious reasons, and then lived with the pestering of three boys for months. “I guess I don’t know, dad.”

 His father makes a humming noise. “Best get your bags, floo traffic is going to be awful.”

 **

  If Remus Lupin expected the boys to forget about him over them summer, he had not admitted it to himself; he was however, surprised when the letters started coming. The three of them would write one long meandering letter in three different hands and send it with James’ barn owl, Knickers. The owl, who was probably not really named knickers, (James and Sirius had introduced the owl in a fit of giggles) would wait at his window until he wrote a moderately long letter back.

 When he asked the boys why the owl did this, Sirius explained that they knew that Remus Lupin did not have an owl, they tended to hate him actually, (they can sense dark creatures) and that Knickers was the only owl that could stand him; so they told him to wait for the letter back. Remus Lupin would have had a heart attack, everyone knew that owls only hated dark creatures, had Sirius not paired his statement with a joke about vampirism, and Remus Lupin knew his secret was safe.

 Excepting the owls, the summer went on as Remus Lupin’s summers typically did, full of stars and books and ‘camping’. During his August transformation, Remus Lupin turned back into a human with a long cut down his cheek. He cannot heal it fast enough for the start of school, werewolves’ have a special kind of magic, even for their own self destruction, and he goes back to Hogwarts with a fresh pink scar.

 Year two felt like growing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu with Peter having human emotions
> 
> kill me


	3. Third Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW TALI HAVE YOU CONSIDERED MAYBE FORMATTING CONSISTENCY? ALSO MAYBE LOOK AT YOUR WORD COUNT DISPARITIES WHAT THE HECKIE
> 
> LOOK KIDDOS, i have done very little self editing of this so we're all just hoping for the best at this point

The boys, marauders as they have decided to rename themselves, are fascinated with his new war wound and demand all the details. Remus Lupin insists that he does not want to talk about it and the boys let it go, but Sirius fixes him with a suspicious look. He corners Remus Lupin after the great feast and pulls him behind a tapestry. There is more room behind the fabric than he would have guessed and he supposes that this is one of the Secrets Of The Castle that the boys go on and on about finding. 

 

Sirius looks at him as if he knows something and Remus Lupin blanches. “Can I help you?” 

Sirius reaches out and touches the scar under Remus Lupin’s eye. “If your father did that, James’ dad won’t stand for it.”

 

“What?” This was not the direction that he saw this conversation going. 

 

“Look, we know that he wouldn’t let you come with us this summer, and nobody sees you until the train ride, your letters hardly cover what your life is like for three whole months, and you can tell that your cut wasn’t healed with any magic.” Sirius sucks in a breath. “When that used to happen to me, it was because my father put it there.” Remus Lupin is shaking his head, but Sirius continues. “If your father did this, Monty won’t stand for it. How do you think I got out of that house?”

“My father didn’t do this. He would never-”

 

“Then who did, Remus?” Sirius does not look as if he believes his friend.

 

“I can’t tell you.”

 

“I’ll have to tell McGonagall you know.” Sirius means this as a threat, but McGonagall knows perfectly well were Remus Lupin got that scar. He shrugs.

 

“If there’s nothing I can do to stop you.”

 

Sirius was not expecting this reaction, but lets it bolster his confidence. “Alright I will.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Fine.”  
  
**

Two days later, Remus Lupin finds himself in McGonagall’s office. McGonagall looks at him as if he is a puzzle. “How was your summer Mr Lupin?”

 

“Great thanks.” He fiddles his thumbs. “How was yours?”

 

“Quite Lovely. Madam Hooch and I visited the coast. I suppose you know why you’re here.”

 

Remus Lupin rolls his eyes, “If it’s because of Sirius Black then yes I do.”

 

McGonagall makes a small noise. “He seems to be harboring the assumption that your father is trying to hurt you. Why might that be?”

 

He points to the line across his face. “I suppose this’d be it, Professor. He thinks my father did this. Good luck we know that’s not true.”

 

“Have you considered telling him how you did get that scar?” McGonagall folds her hands on her desk. “If Mr Black came to you about this three whole days ago, might we be assured that Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew are also under the impression that your father is a violent man?”

 

“He’s not-”

 

“I know, and you know, but your friends are worried about you. It might be worth considering telling them the truth.” 

 

Remus Lupin looks to the floor. Shuffles his feet. “What if they tell.”

 

“Do you trust them?”

 

“Well, yeah-”

 

“Would you tell if it was one of them?”

 

“No.”

 

“It seems you have your answer then Mr Lupin. If you-”

 

“What if they don’t believe me?” Remus Lupin wrings his hands. “What if my dad gets mad that I told them? What if they won’t be my friends anymore?” He can feel tears prick his eyes. “They’re my only friends professor.”

 

McGonagall sighs and tries to look comforting. “Your father knows that I’m having this chat with you, and I really don’t think that it’s likely to go that way Mr Lupin, but if you’d like I can be there when you tell them.”

 

Remus Lupin nods.

 

“I’ll set up a meeting. The four of you have charms tomorrow afternoon, do you not?” Remus Lupin nods again. “I’ll call the other boys in, I expect to see you then. Please get to class Mr Lupin.”

 

Remus Lupin bolts through her door and thinks he might throw up.

  
**  
  


When Remus Lupin gets to McGonagall’s office the next day after charms, the rest of the boys are already there. McGonagall is sitting placidly at her desk, while James sits in one of the chairs opposite their head of house, looking like he hasn’t a care in the world. Peter sits in the other chair, chin wobbling as if he might cry. Sirius is pacing the length of the office between the desk and his friends, rattling off codes that prevent the innocent from incarceration. Remus Lupin pulls a seat that ordinarily remains in the far corner up to the desk as well, catching a drawn out conclusion to his friend’s rant. 

 

“-and even muggles would refrain from handing out a detention, neigh, any kind of punishment to student without due cause. The saying innocent until proven guilty comes to mind, and I cannot help but apply it to this situation. What professor do you intend to accuse us of?”

 

McGonagall looks relieved that this particular speech is over and waves for Sirius to sit down as well. “If you had listened to the student I sent, you would know that you are not here for disciplinary action Mr Black.” Sirius makes a face. “And furthermore, that it was your friend who wanted to talk to the lot of you in a-” McGonagall waves her hand in an uncharacteristic loss for words. “controlled environment.”

 

Sirius, James and Peter all look at each other, and then upon noticing that Remus Lupin is not looking at any of them, look at him. He sinks in his chair. “Err, hi.”

 

Sirius folds his hands and schools his features into his best Writing To Mother face and turns to his friend, squaring his shoulders with Remus Lupin’s. “Remus,” He says, “is there any particular reason that you had McGonagall drag us down here without explanation, causing me to use one of my best prepared speeches?”

 

McGonagall answers his query, “If you’ll remember Mr Black that I did my best to make sure you were aware of the purpose behind the meeting. Your think first ask questions later attitude is hardly my fault. Mr Lupin had something to tell you.”

 

All the focus in the room shifts back to Remus Lupin and he can feel himself getting redder by the minute. “Uh, yes. I do. Have something to tell you that is.” He stalls and fidgets. “It would, um, be about my face. Or uh, my scar.”

 

Sirius’ eyebrows arch sharply and his eyes squint. “If this isn’t about you leaving that house I swear to god Lupin-”

 

“SIRIUS. My dad does not hurt me in any conscious way, I really wish you would take my word on this.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “You mean to tell me that a wound that big came from an accident sure-”

 

Remus Lupin is done hearing about all the things that Sirius is just sure his father did to him, interrupts him mid sentence. “I did this okay!” His friends sit back. Remus Lupin does not Raise His Voice. “I hurt my own face, on my own claw, during the full moon.”

 

The office is silent for a moment. McGonagall looks surprised at the sudden outburst of one of her quietest students. James eyes widen as he seems to take in the implications of Remus Lupin’s statement. Every limb of the ever mobile body of Sirius Black is still. Peter stares between his friends as if he doesn’t get the joke. As the seconds tick by and nothing is said, Remus Lupin buries his head in his hands. 

 

When he lifts his head again his eyes are steel. “Professor I think that it’s best you obliviate them.”

 

McGonagall starts to try to placate him, “Now, Mr Lupin-”

 

James cuts her off. “I don’t think I’ll be needing that, I know who my friends are, thanks.”

 

Remus Lupin looks at him warily, but everything written in James’ face is determination. He looks at Remus Lupin as solemnly as he’s ever seen. “I don’t want you to freak out, Remus, but I’ve known since last March.”

 

Remus Lupin makes a choking noise. “How?”

 

James shrugs. “I’m observant. You get sick every full moon. Sirius was trying to convince me you were a vampire, so I did some research.”

 

McGonagall looks proudly at her students. “What a wise way to conduct yourself Mr Potter. Twenty points to gryffindor. Do you two have anything to add?” She asks looking at Peter and Sirius. 

 

Peter is a little relieved he is not losing any friends. “Remus you know as well as I do that I can’t afford to break your trust.”

 

Sirius Black has been silent through this whole exchange and continues to stare at Remus Lupin. He says nothing. 

 

“I’m sure that I don’t have to tell the three of you that this stays in this office. Dumbledore and I had to do enough convincing of Mr Lupin to allow his son to come here, I don’t need the hassle of convincing the board of governors as well. If we’re done here I believe dinner starts in half an hour. You may go.”

 

The boys exit the office in silence, the scrape of chairs the only hint of movement at all. As they reach the corridor James turns to Remus Lupin, “I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t tell you I knew, I thought it would only scare you.”

 

Remus Lupin smiles, but it feels like more of a grimace. “I have to admit that was not a reaction I saw coming.” As he says this Sirius brushes past them and continues down the hall without a second glance. Remus Lupin makes a face. It was not his intention to fight with Sirius at all; if he did he couldn’t imagine the other boys taking his side, but here they were, feet firmly planted in the ground, watching as the fourth member of their group stormed off. 

 

James made a face, “I’m sure he’ll come around. His family is-” he scratches his neck nervously. “Bad. About werewolves.”

 

Remus Lupin’s gaze hardens on his friend’s back. “I know.”

  
  
  


As it turns out, occasionally werewolf children do have friends. Two of them. Almost a month after Remus Lupin let his closest friends in on his secret, Sirius still had not spoken to him. His visits to the astronomy tower are lonely, Sirius had been the only one to come along every night and now he doesn’t.

 

Remus Lupin is not forgetting what it is like to have friends, Peter and James still help him study in the library every night. They try to make light of the situation, they say Sirius will come around, James more convincingly than Peter. Peter sits next to Remus Lupin in charms where Sirius used to sit, and James sits next to him in potions. 

  
  


**

Sirius pretends that he does not see his best friend in every one of their classes, talks to James and Peter, but only when they’re alone, and sits with Frank Longbottom and Alice Prewett in the great hall. Remus Lupin watches the stars alone. Adds the Canis constellations to his personal star chart. Watches them run across the sky and wonders what he did wrong; wonders if there was any way he could have done that right. 

  
  
  


Remus Lupin almost falls off the last ladder rungs on a Saturday night as he climbs the astronomy tower. Sirius Black is sitting on the roof alone, and now Remus Lupin isn’t sure what to do, how to talk to his best friend who ignored him for weeks; he does not climb the rest of the way out of the tower. Sirius turns around to face him. Remus Lupin promises himself that he will not be the one to break the silence, he didn’t ignore anyone for a month. He stands on the last rung of the ladder and watches Sirius, who watches him back. 

 

“I’m not mad at you.” Is the first thing that Sirius says to Remus Lupin in a month. “I’m honestly not really sure who I’m mad at.”

 

Remus Lupin stares down his friend coldly. “I’m mad at Fenrir Greyback.”

 

Sirius’ eyes widen. It’s not everyday that you encounter someone bitten by the most infamous werewolf in the country. He sits down on the tower and motions for Remus Lupin to come the rest of the way up. 

 

“Remus I need to tell you something.” 

 

Remus Lupin sits down across from his best friend and waits.

 

Sirius Black looks his best friend dead in the eyes, approaches the subject with the same blunt honesty with which he goes at everything. “I’ve been on a werewolf hunt before.”

 

Remus Lupin sucks in a breath, hisses as he lets it out. “That is unfortunate.” 

 

“When I was eight, it’s like a Black family tradition that you attend a hunt after your birthday. And I went. And I watched my father kill a werewolf.”

 

Remus Lupin is silent and his friend continues. 

 

“I didn’t do anything to stop it.” Sirius says. “And I’m sorry.”

 

The other boy looks at him incredulously. “Sirius you were eight.” When Black drops his head at this Remus Lupin continues. “What were you going to do about your father killing a werewolf at eight years old.”

 

“You didn’t know me as an eight year old. I was a right terror. I could have at least distracted my father.”

 

Remus Lupin shakes his head, “Sirius, I can’t say I’m glad that you watched that happen, but if that’s the reason you’ve been avoiding me, you can give it a rest now.”

 

“That’s not the only reason I’ve been avoiding you.”

 

“Okay, what then?”

 

“My family keeps records, or well really, creates records of werewolves.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“And I don’t know if you’re on them, but I didn’t want to tell them your name, so I went back and checked my letters to mother and tried to figure out if I had mentioned you.” Sirius Black must be dragging this out as long as he can, because there’s no way that the story needs this much lead up.

 

“And I have.”

 

“And what did they do at the mention of my name?”

 

“Well, nothing.”

 

“Oh, that’s good then, yes?” Remus Lupin is trying to remain optimistic, despite the grave look in his friend’s eyes.

 

“Err, no.”

 

“No?”

 

“They look into who my friends are, and now I’ve given them reason to investigate you. So if they find out that you’re a…” Sirius Black trails off.

 

“A werewolf.” Remus Lupin supplies. “You can say it you know.”

 

“Right, well if they find out it’s my fault.”

 

Remus Lupin sets his friend in a dead stare. “You cannot honestly believe that.”

 

Sirius shrugs.

 

“If they were going to find out about me, they would have done regardless of your letters. I refuse to let you blame yourself for this.”

 

“I can blame myself  _ regardless _ of what you do.”

 

“Sirius.”

 

“Remus.”

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Remus Lupin drops the topic, but resolves to attend to it later. “What have you been doing then in all this time avoiding me?”

 

“Plotting.”

 

“Plotting?”

 

“Against my family. I have a plan.” Sirius grins. “And you’re a part of it.”

 

Remus Lupin wants to bang his head into the stones of the astronomy tower. 

  
  
  
  


“But why do I have to be the one to get sick?” Peter is sitting on the floor of the common room against the couch where James and Remus Lupin are lounging. 

 

“Because,” Sirius explains, “My parents like you best.” You didn’t steal me from my family,” he points to James, “You’re not the one under suspicion,” he points to Remus Lupin, “And my parents may or my not be functioning under the impression that you are a bit dim.”.

 

Peter splutters. “Wha- why is that!?”

 

Sirius grins maniacally. “I may have told them that you’re my hench person.”

 

At this, the company sitting on the couch bursts into giggles.

 

“Your hench person?!” Peter looks like he might die. “What the hell is that?” 

 

Sirius sniffs. “A gender neutral term for a henchman of course.”

 

James looks like he might be sick from laughing so hard.

 

Peter throws up his arms. “Oh yeah, of COURSE. Why didn’t I think of that! Why, Sirius? Why.”

 

“I needed something to make me seem better than Regulus after he got into slytherin- oh don’t make that face at me I invented that face.”

 

Peter’s face is contorted into a swirl of anger and disbelief. “I am not taking part in this ponzi scheme until you tell your parents that I am not your henchman.” 

 

Remus Lupin tries to mask his face into something serious and tactful.

 

Sirius has no such qualms about remaining stoic, he grins as he tries to explain the plan to Peter. “Hench person. And I can’t do that, then we might as well not have the plan to begin with. They have to think you’re rather dim for this to work.”

 

“But you’ll tell them after?” Peter looks up hopefully.

 

“Uh, well, no. If this all goes to plan then they won’t know that anything is up, and I want to fly under the radar for a bit.”

 

Peter does not really look surprised by this, rubs his face with both hands. “I knew it. I’m the fool.”

 

James starts to crack up again and Remus Lupin hits him.

 

Sirius presses his fingers together in front of his chest and whips out the Writing To Mother face. “So, to review. Peter: you get sick in Hogsmeade next weekend. I call my parents, tell them my hench person is sick,” Peter grumbles and Sirius ignores him. “He needs medical help. We get to Grimmauld, James and Remus under the cloak, sneak in behind us, don’t make a sound in front of the paintings. Peter vomits with great passion, I may or may not also be sick in sympathy. While everyone attends to Petey here, the two of you stake out the library, try to find the werewolf stuff, I think it’s in the east corner.”

 

Remus Lupin’s jaw drops. “Your family library has an east corner?”

 

“Yes Remus Loopy, my favorite friend, it does. And the whole thing is packed with dark magic, so don’t get snoopy.”

 

“Oh, so he’s your favorite friend, and I’m just your henchman.”

 

James snorts. “Didn’t you hear him mate, hench person.”

  
  
  
  


The plan goes off without a hitch; flawless except for the fact that there is nothing about Remus Lupin in any of the files, which were not in the east corner, and were in a booby trapped drawer in Orion Black’s desk.

 

When the marauders get back to the common room that night, Remus Lupin collapses in the chair by the fire usually reserved for Sirius. “That was the most high stress thing I’ve ever done. Sirius, I’m never setting foot in that house again.”

 

Sirius just stares at his friend. His tummy does a funny lurch. “That’s my chair.”

 

“You should count your lucky stars I’m not demanding your first born son. ‘Sides, I can’t move, my legs are jelly.”

 

“Oi! That whole ordeal was for you, you prat. I’ll sit on you.” 

 

“See if I care, I’m not moving.”

 

Sirius looks at Remus Lupin sprawled out in his chair, and makes a decision. Sirius Black sits across his friend’s lap. Remus Lupin makes an “Oof” noise, but doesn’t push him off. 

 

Sirius flings his legs over one arm of the chair and settles in. “I’ve been thinking,” he starts, and James and Peter who have been casually sitting on the sofa nearest to where Sirius is squishing Remus Lupin into that stupid chair, come to attention. 

 

“Not again,” Peter groans, “I should just leave now.”. He starts to get up, but James flings an arm out to stop him. 

 

“I want to know where this is going.” He says, and pushes Peter back to his seat. Peter huffs. 

 

Sirius continues. “We need nicknames.”

 

Peter gets up again. “I’m going to bed now, if I don’t I’ll just end up being called hench person for the rest of my life.” He scuttles out of the room. 

 

“Spoilsport.” Says Remus Lupin, sounding a little breathless.

 

“On what basis,” James asks, “do we need nicknames?”

 

Sirius flails his arm, almost hitting Remus Lupin in the process. “The marauders of course!”

 

“I hate to burst your bubble,” Remus Lupin wheezes, “but you’re the only one who calls us that.”

 

“See, and that’s the problem. I think this whole thing would catch on more quickly if we had nicknames. I, for example,” Sirius enunciates, pointing to his chest. “can be Captain Awesome, King of the Cool Kids.”

 

James’ face doesn’t even twitch. “No. I am not calling you that. Ever. Not with my last dying breath.”

 

“Fine, I won’t tell you what I came up with for you then.”

 

“What?” James asks incredulously.

 

“Snuff.”

 

“Snuff?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You were going to call me Snuff, for the rest of my life? Peter was right to go to bed” 

 

“Oh yes he was.” Sirius says gleefully. “Want to know what I decided for him?”

 

Remus Lupin pipes up from under Sirius Black. “I have three guesses and they’re all ‘hench person’”

 

Sirius let a trail of red sparks shoot from the tip of his wand. “Negatory, I was going to go with Igor.”

 

James makes a face. “What’s that a disease?”

 

Sirius points at his friend. “Close but no knut. It’s from this muggle book about a crazy guy. Igor is his henchman.”

 

“Hench person.” James and Remus Lupin say in unison.

 

Sirius laughs. “No Igor is a henchman, Peter is a hench person.”

 

James side eyes his friend. “Charming.”

 

Remus Lupin pokes Sirius in the back. “What am I then?”

 

Sirius grins. “You’re Moony.”

 

Remus Lupin blanches. “No way. You don’t get to take the biggest thing I hate about myself and call me it everyday.”

 

Sirius arches his back over the arm of the chair, throwing his arms back, Remus Lupin backs up so as not to get a faceful of crotch. “But Moony has all the characteristics of a great nickname. It’s simple, it’s an inside joke, it’s easy to yell from across the great hall, and best of all no one will even get it.”

 

“If nobody is going to understand, then what’s the point of the nickname at all?” Remus Lupin asks, relaxing now that Sirius has moved back down.

 

“It makes it sound like you’ve gone around exposing your bare behind to people, so I guess that’s kind of rebel.” James pipes up from the couch, “The girls like that.”

 

“I am not going to have everybody thinking I show off my bum, because you ao all people,” Remus Lupin makes a squished gesture toward James, “think that girls like it.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James looks put off.

 

Sirius’ voice adopts a falsetto tone, “Oh, Lily, the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts, will you pwease pwease pwease notice me.”

 

“Oh Lily,” Remus Lupin joins in, “you’re all I think about, I just want your love.”

 

James throws a pillow and Sirius flinches inward, causing Remus Lupin to groan. Sirius throws the pillow back. 

 

James stands up and the pillow misses his face, he catches it against his chest. “Alright, if nothing constructive is going to happen tonight, I have potions homework to do.

 

The other boys wave him off, and James disappears toward the swinging portrait. Sirius doesn’t move. Remus Lupin looks at his friend. Now that they’re alone his heart does a funny sort of rattle. He tries to knock Sirius to the floor, but the boy only tightens his grip on the arms of the chair. 

 

“The world couldn’t make me leave you, Moony. Can’t get rid of me that easy.” Sirius grins. 

 

Remus Lupin’s heart rattles harder, he can’t tell if it’s the grin blindingly directed straight at him, or the easy use of the nickname that he suddenly can’t find it in him to mind. “I guess,” he says, “that I don’t really mind Moony.” and then goes red when Sirius looks elated.

 

“That’s good, I made up the other ones just so you would feel like yours was the good one.”

 

Remus Lupin really does throw Sirius off the chair this time.

  
**  
  


The train ride home that year is full of yelling and secrets. The four boys take over a compartment and do all the magic they can before they get back to King's Cross and the underage magic laws fall into effect. Peter turns one of his textbooks into rolling papers, and Sirius spends the entire ride trying to spell his hair blue. When they get to the station and the boys are forced to part ways, Remus Lupin with his father and the rest of the boys with James’, they wave and Lyall Lupin looks even happier this year to see his son’s friends than the previous. They are half way through the station when Sirius yells.

 

“Moony, If you don’t write I’ll come to your house myself and shove parchment down your throat!” He does not try to catch up with them or say anything else, just disappears into the crowd.

 

Remus Lupin goes red, and his father stiffens.

 

“Moony?” Lyall says, as if the word is too sharp on his tongue. 

 

Remus Lupin hadn’t thought of this, hadn’t thought of how to explain the nickname to his dad, honestly didn’t think he would have too. He stutters for an explanation. “Yeah,” he says “disappearing charm gone wrong, my pants- err.”

 

Luckily, Lyall Lupin takes his son’s stuttering for embarrassment. “That is unfortunate.”

 

Remus Lupin takes a breath and hopes to god that his mother doesn’t ask the same questions.

  
**  
  


The summer drags, slow as molasses and Remus Lupin is bored out of his mind. The letters from the boys have stopped coming as one long winded letter, and have broken into three, although the three of them all live in the same house during holiday, and they use one owl to send the lot of them. One particularly boring Sunday in August, Remus Lupin receives letters that are out of character; the first one, from Peter is brief.

 

Remus,

We have a surprise for you, but I have been forbidden to tell you until school starts. James and Sirius are looking over my shoulders as I write this to insure that I do not spill the beans. I am sorry I do not have more to say. I hope you are well.

Your Friend,

Peter Pettigrew

  
  


Remus Lupin would dismiss this letter, but the next one from James has the same lilt of dishonesty.

  
  


Moony,

I am sure that from Peter’s letter you are expecting something horrible like the worrier you are, but let me assure you that all is well. My mother heard that you garden and would like to know if you have any tips for muggle cauliflower, as she cannot keep it alive. Please do not tell her it is because I have been killing it. That stuff is awful, she likes to grind it up and pretend it is mashed potatoes. I will die if I take another bite of mash and it turns out to be that blasted plant. Flowers are not for eating. Hope your summer is pleasant. 

James 

  
  


After reading this, Remus Lupin can only expect the worst, it helps absolutely none that James has told him not to. He moves on to the last letter.

 

My dearest Moony,

James and I have threatened Peter into silence, and I know that James wants to tell you the news in person, but I won’t be able to carry on if I am not the one to break it to you. The three of us have been working all summer and we’ve figured out how to help you during your time of the month. We were afraid to tell you just incase we were unsuccessful, but progress has been made, and I believe it is safe to say that we are going to be the most advanced fourth year students at hogwarts. If Micky G knew what we were capable of she would flip her lid. Transfiguration is going to be a breeze after this. 

My dear sweet moonshine, we have become animaguses, (animagi?) before you get your lacy knickers in a twist, we should tell you that there is nothing you can do to stop this. We have already become our animal selves. We can teach you too if you like, but Pete probably shouldn’t help, he had enough trouble on his own. Try to guess what he is, honestly you wouldn’t guess any of us, but you are going to die laughing.

 

Love,

Sirius

PS.We’ve come up with nicknames for us too now, but I can’t tell you what they are because then you’ll not have a chance to guess Petey’s inner animal.

 

PPS. Please don’t tell James I told you

 

PPPS. Also probably don’t tell the Ministry of Magic, as we aren’t completely sure that this isn’t illegal

  
  


After reading the third letter, Remus Lupin convinces himself that his friends are not serious. He’s never heard of anyone who was an unregistered animagus, he’s not sure what happens to those who don’t tell the ministry what they’re up to, and his friends are all underage. He rereads the letter and shudders a bit when he thinks about what McGonagall would do if she knew. Remus Lupin gets out his own letter writing supplies and begins in an exasperated tone.

 

James,

Sirius told me, the letter labeled to him is actually for all of you. What kind of frog brained plan was this anyway, I let the three of you to your own devices for two months and this is what you get up to? See if I ever let you alone again.

R Lupin

  
  


When the first note is done he moves on to the next and possibly most forgiving one.

Peter,

Sirius told me. I am sorry the boys are so hard on you. The letter for Sirius is for you too. 

Your Friend

R Lupin

 

The last letter is by far the longest, as well as being the most scolding.

  
  


Sirius,

(or really all of the boys, as I have told them to also take part in this correspondence)

What in the name of Merlin were you thinking? I want to iterate as clearly as possible that the only reason that I am not sending a howler is because I’m sure someone else would hear what I’m yelling about into a bloody envelope. Because your letter stated that you were unclear on the legality of this endeavor, let me assure you, it is completely illegal. I hope the lot of you had fun breaking the eleven laws that you did, because I have every intention of making sure you never put a toe out of line ever again.

Additionally, I have no clue what animals you are Sirius, you shifty bastard, and I also have no plan to guess like some idiot. Who do you think I am? Furthermore, I am not sure what you mean by “help” me during my time of the month, but let me make myself as transparent as possible, if you think I’m letting you anywhere near me during the full moon, animal or not, you’re barking. 

I have done almost no research but I am certain that I will not be joining you in a life as an animal half the time. As well as being an animal quite enough of the time thank you, werewolves cannot become any other animal, and I have enough of the wolf.

I want to make it known that when you inevitably get caught, I will not be defending the lot of you in any way, you complete tossers.

All of this said with love,

Remus Lupin

PS. Sirius you fucking arsehole, I know this had to be your idea.

 

PPS. Peter I’m so sorry you got roped into all of this.

  
  


Remus Lupin attaches the letter to Knickers’ leg and watches as she flies off, the last letter he sends before their annual ride on the Hogwarts express.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF it isnt clear by this point that i dont know what im doing, i dont know how to break it to you


	4. year four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i also hate this so its all chill

When Remus Lupin arrives on platform 9 ¾ that fall, Peter is standing outside the train looking like he would rather not be. He is doing an awkward routine of shuffling his feet and looking anywhere but the faces of the people passing him by. As he sees Remus Lupin his eyes widen and he grins.

 

“Moony!” He says with all of the enthusiasm he has saved up from looking utterly bored.

 

“Peter!” Remus Lupin says trying to match the vigor, “How’ve ya been? Where are the boys?”

 

Peter rolls his eyes, “I’ve been great, better than Sirius in any case, he’s just sure that you’re going to rip him a new one. They’re already aboard, saved a compartment.”

 

Remus Lupin laughs, “I’ve got half a mind to, Petey my boy. Let’s go scare the pants off of a dear friend.” 

  
  
  


With that, the two board the train, and Remus Lupin follows Peter to the third to last section where Peter flings a door open and makes a wailing noise. “Oh man, he’s really mad!” Remus Lupin waits in the hall and watches as Peter makes the grand entrance he’s always been waiting for. Peter carries on “He won’t even sit with us, says he’s sitting with Longbottom and he’s asked to move dorms!”

 

From the corridor, Remus Lupin hears his friends get up from their seats in protest. James’ voice carries cleanly through the open door. “Peter did you tell him we did the whole thing for him?” 

 

For all of his buffoonery, Peter is light on his feet, “He says he won’t be a part of any plan that could get us all killed, or expelled!”

 

Remus Lupin peeks an eye around the door frame and sees Sirius pulling at his hair in frustration. “He’s got to see us, talk to us at least, he can’t just cut us-” He pauses in his argument when he catches the sly face of Remus Lupin beside the door. “Oi! You! Just going to let me think I’ve lost my best friend forever are you?!” 

 

At this James makes a disgruntled sound and interrupts indignantly. “I thought I was your best friend.”

 

Sirius waves him off. “The grown ups are talking, Jamesy Poo.” 

 

Remus Lupin smirks. “Who exactly are the grown ups in this situation? Certainly not the one who decided that a gang of third years ought to be animagi.” His gaze is fixed on Sirius, who stalks up to him in a way that reminds Remus Lupin of the way aurors move in the papers. 

 

Sirius pushes Remus Lupin square in the chest, catches him as he stumbles back, and then pulls him into a hug. “You utter berk, I miss you all summer and this is how you repay me?” He says from somewhere in Remus Lupin’s hair. “And,” he continues, pulling back and running a hand through the hair on Remus Lupin’s head. “You grew your hair out,” he touches his own shoulder length locks “We match!”

 

Remus Lupin extricates himself from the arms of his best friend, steps back a foot. “All you need now is to completely disfigure yourself and we’ll be identical.” He can smell Sirius from here, and he smells like a  _ boy _ .

 

Sirius frowns, “We’ve been over this, Moony. The nickname, the scar, it’s all a part of your rebel image.”

 

“Which girls love!” James pipes up from where he has reseated himself, and goes back to his book.

 

“Says you!” Say Remus Lupin and Sirius, almost in unison. James makes a face at them, but continues reading.

 

Sirius looks as if he is remembering something and turns to Peter, “Oh, Petey, dear Petey. You just helped pull off a great trick, and you were very believable. There may be hope for you yet.” Peter rolls his eyes, but puffs out his chest a bit. “And Pete,” Sirius goes on, “I’ve got just the prank to use your new acting skills on.”

 

Peter sinks back down into the seat

  
  
  
  


The opening feast is the same kind of loud and happy that it always is, the Gryffindor table is rambunctious with pride upon the arrival of eight new first years, and a sixth year has charmed the pudding to sing an irish drinking song. 

 

Remus Lupin looks around and thinks that this might be the best year yet. Being a fourth year puts you right in the middle of the pecking order (now only half the school can pull one over on you without disrupting the whole system), and half their classes are their own choice. Sirius and James talk the whole way through dinner about the pranks they intend to play on the new first years, and Remus Lupin makes a point to weed out those that might cause actual bodily harm. Peter eats his weight in treacle tart, and soon the lot of them are ready to head up to the common room. 

 

Remus Lupin can’t help but feel odd entering the common room for the first time since last spring; it feels like coming home, but has no indication that anyone ever left. 

 

The marauders settle into their couch and chair by the fire and bask in the glow of knowing that the seventh years who used to kick them out of their favorite spot have now graduated, and it is officially theirs. James and Remus Lupin sink into the couch, and Peter sits on the floor below, while Sirius settles into his chair. Sirius takes a long look at the situation with a contemplative look. 

 

“Moony, I think that this whole thing would be a lot more fair to our dear Peter if you shared this chair with me.” He says smugly.

 

Remus Lupin rolls his eyes, tries not to blush. He can’t help but kind of  _ want _ to share the seat, but says no anyway. “I am not going to sit on that chair just so you can squish me, Sirius Black. I wasn’t born yesterday. Sorry Peter, but there is another chair over in the corner if you want to pull it up.”

 

Peter shrugs goodnaturedly and pulls at the tasseled edge of the rug. “I’m good thanks.”

 

Remus Lupin makes an ‘I told you so’ face at Sirius who looks a little like he’s been flicked in the forehead. He shakes his head and pulls his feet up under his lap. “Moony, have you any guesses then, about our animal selves?”

 

Remus Lupin raises his eyebrows and does his best to look uninterested, even as his curiosity piques. “I haven’t the foggiest, Sirius, what  _ are _ your animal selves.”

 

Sirius giggles, knowing he has the power of the story, and how to use it to his advantage. “Well, Peter’s new nickname is Wormtail, if that gives you any clue.”

 

Remus Lupin raises a questioning glance at the aforementioned party, who groans and slides onto his stomach, forehead pressed directly into the stones of the floor just off the rug. “I don’t want to talk about this.” Peter says to the rock.

 

Remus Lupin’s eyes slide between James and Sirius, wondering if he wants to know. Sirius looks about to burst into tears with the effort of keeping his laugh contained. James is fairing better, but not much. Peter is doing his best impression of a corpse.

 

James gets himself under control and turns very seriously to Remus Lupin, “Have you ever seen a rat?” he says.

 

Remus Lupin thinks he might get whiplash from the turns of this conversation. “Uh, yes.”

 

“Right, so then you’ve seen a rat tail.” James replies, and oh no, Remus Lupin thinks he might know where this is headed.

 

“Oh, Peter.” He says, “Is your animagus a rat?”

 

Peter nods into the floor, and James continues. “Now, imagine what one might look like if he was completely transformed back into a human, but had a rat’s tail still.” James is almost laughing again, and Peter is using his hands to actively smash his head into the stones. James still isn’t finished. “Now if that tail stuck around, another person who looked at it, might just think that the first had a worm, Sticking Out Of Their Butt.”

Remus looks at Peter sympathetically. “Oh, it’s okay, loads of people have trouble with their change the first time.” He is trying to help, but James and Sirius just laugh harder. 

 

Sirius catches his breath to add insult to injury. “It’s not been just the first time! Every time he does it he has a hard time getting rid of the tail for ages!”

 

Peter stares into the fireplace. “One somersault into the fire, and all of my suffering is over forever.”

 

Remus Lupin rolls his eyes. “Really, the lot of you are just being dramatic. Would you get on with the rest of your changes?”

 

Peter rolls over and onto his elbows. “Well James’ new nickname is Prongs, if you can get it from that.”

 

Remus Lupin looks at James incredulously. “Is your animagus a fork?”

 

For the first time since the topic of animagi has been brought up, Peter smiles. “That’s what I said.”

 

James sniffs, “No, I am not a fork. I am what you might call the king of the woodland creatures.”

 

“A raccoon?”

 

“You think raccoons are king of the woodland creatures?”   
  


“Well, woodland creatures are just the small fuzzy ones aren’t they?” Remus Lupin knows he is making this much more difficult than it needs to be, but it seems to cheer Peter up. 

 

James’ haughty expression is the same face he might make if he stepped in dragon dung, so the continued use of the countenance has the opposite effect of anything he might be going for. “Woodland creatures encompasses anything that lives in the woods, thank you. And I might be called the king of them.”

 

“Oh. Are you a bear?”

 

“No. King, not huntsman.”

 

Remus Lupin throws up his arms. “I don’t know James, what are you?”

 

“A deer.”

 

“A deer?”

 

“A  _ stag _ .”

 

“Oh, for the love of Merlin.” Remus Lupin tries to decipher whether his friend is pulling his leg. “And you think a deer is the kind of the woodland creatures?”

 

“Who else would be?” James looks affronted that anyone consider him a common animal.

 

“A bear. A wolf. Any big cat.” Remus Lupin supplies. James opens his mouth in protest, but Remus Lupin isn’t finished. “And what’s Prongs mean anyway?”

 

James puts his own hands behind his head and spreads out his fingers, wiggling them a bit. “Prongs, like antler pokeys.”

 

“Antler pokeys.”

 

“Well, it’s not the technical term, but you know what I meant.”

 

Remus Lupin sighs, he supposes he does know what James meant. He sinks back into the couch and rubs his eyes, keeping his hands over them when he’s finished. 

 

“Don’t you wanna know what I am?” Sirius pipes up from the chair a little dejectedly.

 

Remus Lupin looks between his fingers, “Sure, sure. What’s your nickname then, if that’s how we’re doing this.”

 

Sirius scowls, “I don’t think that my nickname is going to help.”

 

Peter rolls his eyes. “His nickname’s padfoot.”

 

“See that’s not going to help him wormy, lots of animals have padded feet.”

 

“Like what.” Peter furrows his brow.

 

“Cats, dogs, rats, wolves-”

 

Peter looks thoughtful. “Alright, alright, here’s his hint then. It’s one of the animals that he just said” He points at Sirius while his gaze is focused on Remus Lupin

 

“Sirius Black, you are not a dog.”

 

“I am.” Sirius is overly smug, and it makes Remus Lupin want to do something crazy. 

 

“You bastard, your name is literally Dog Black, and your animagus is a dog. I don’t suppose it’s a black dog?” He says half joking, but his jaw drops when Sirius nods. “No, that’s ridiculous, I don't believe you.”

 

“You better, Remus Lupin, or should I say Wolfy McWerewolf. As if you’re anyone to talk about double meaning.” Sirius shakes his head. “I almost don't believe me either, but Jamesy and Pete can back me up.”

 

Remus Lupin catches the gaze of his other two friends and can’t help but laugh. “This is unbe-fucking-lieveable.”

 

Peter sits back up, “You’ve got that right.” he goes to stand. “I’ve got to go, now is about the point in the night when the bad things start happening to me.” 

 

Sirius makes a sound of protest but James just shrugs. 

 

“He’s not wrong you know.” Remus Lupin says to Sirius’ indignant expression.

 

“Whatever, he’s just jealous he’s not as cool an animal as me.”

 

Moony and Prongs roll their eyes.

  
  
  


Because the full moon fell before the start of term, Remus has approximately three weeks to convince his friends that their involvement in his transformation was unnecessary and dangerous. 

He does not bother trying to convince Peter, he knows that Pete will do whatever the other boys tell him to, and he doesn’t start with Sirius, he knows that the only person who’d be able to talk him out of this, was at the moment, fully intending on joining him on the night out. 

He works on James; corners him after class, steals his lunch, hides his things and pretends not to know where his boots have gotten to. 

 

If James wasn’t his best friend, he would hate Remus by now, instead he smiles, shakes his head, musses Remus’ hair with an affectionate “ _ Moony _ ” and goes down to breakfast barefoot. The only person that his tirade on James Potter seems to affect was Sirius, who gets more and more vocal on the topic of Boys Night Out as the weeks progress. 

One night after Remus pulled his friend aside on their way back from dinner, (by his tie, right behind a tapestry, “Please James, you have to talk him out of it, I can’t hurt any of you” “We’ll be fine, Moony. I think this will help you” “James!”) Sirius was waiting for them inside the common room entrance. Sirius took in James’ rumpled tie and narrowed his eyes, arms crossed. 

“Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here.”

Remus sighs, “Sirius, I know that you’re dead set on this, but we really think you should continue our tried and true method of avoiding me on the full moon.”

James snorts and Sirius just looks confused. Remus looks at his two friends, can’t decide which look of disbelief to address first, stays silent.

Sirius grins. “I was referring to the hanky panky that happened between the two of you this evening, but I’m glad to know that you talk about me.”

Moony splutters, but James does not seem surprised by the leaps his friend makes. 

“Nothing happened you great twat. Our dear Remy here just tried to talk my ear off. He’s still convinced that he needs to do this alone.” James gives Sirius a ‘he just doesn’t know what’s best for him’ look and Remus feels as if he has been forgotten in the turns of this conversation. 

Sirius mirrors his mockingly meditative expression. “If our Moony weren’t so utterly debonair I’m not sure we’d keep him around at all.”

Remus flushes red at this but tries his best to look unaffected. “I don’t know why the three of you think you can get in on this at all. I’ve got to do to stop you is not tell you where I’ll be.”

Sirius laughs and smacks James in the arm, “Did you hear that,” he smacks James again. “We don’t know where he’ll be.”

James hits Sirius back, perhaps harder than necessary. “And who says that?”

“Well, he does.”

“Should we tell him?” Sirius is smiling like a kid on Christmas.

“Tell him what” Remus deadpans.

“That we figured the shrieking shack out ages ago.” 

Remus’ jaw drops. “How?”

James shrugs, “Dunno. Technically Pete did it. Anyhow, location is not going to stop us.” 

Remus throws his hands in the air, “I can’t for the life of me figure out why the lot of you think that risking your life for me is so important!” he flops on the couch and shoves a hand through the curls on his head. 

Sirius throws himself at the sofa so hard that the furniture’s legs rock back and forth before righting themselves. He snakes an arm around Remus’ back, and another pulls him in from the front. “It’s because we love you, and you’re a fool if you can’t see it.”

Remus sighs and lets himself be pulled into the gravity of Sirius Black. The right side of his face smushes into the buttons of the dark haired boy’s shirt. “I don't want to wake up one day to have you realize I’m not worth the trouble.” He mumbles into his friend’s robes. 

James joins them on the couch, squishing into a spot made for two people and flings his arms out in an addition to the cuddle pile. “You’d do it for us Moony, so don’t pretend that we’re martyring ourselves for you.”

At this precise moment, Peter shuffles into the common room, assessing the situation, and making a break for the stairs. James sticks a leg out the side of the couch and catches Pete’s ankles on the way by. “Don’t think you can get out of this you great lug. Join the snuggle sofa or face the consequences.” 

It is an empty threat and Peter knows it. He rolls his eyes and blows kisses to the boys on the couch. “I’ve got transfiguration to get done, my boys. Wish me the best.”

Sirius and James ‘boo’ while Remus yells ‘good luck!’ to his friend ascending the stairs. The hug on the couch continues until James lets out a great sigh and stands up. “Pete’s right, I’ve got four inches left for transfiguration as well.” He follows the path to the stairs. 

Remus makes a move to leave the common room, but is yanked back to the couch when he attempts escape. “I know you finished that essay on Thursday, don’t you dare leave me alone here, Lupin.”

And because Remus Lupin is comfortable, and because Sirius Black smells like hair product and adventure, Remus doesn’t leave. He stays on the couch in the middle of the common room and lets his best friend hug him for far longer than societally appropriate.

  
  
  


When the full moon falls, Remus Lupin prepares himself to lose the only friends he remembers. He is not sure whether the end of their friendship will stem from their deaths, or their disgust at his temporary wolfishness, but this would seem to be the end of the line.

 

Remus skips all of his classes. He avoids the boys dorm, and hopes with some kind of fervour that the rest of the marauders will somehow forget he exists in the next twelve hours. He steals James’ cloak and hides in the owlery, which promptly empties upon his arrival. Through morning classes the only person who wanders up is a confused second year, and once they see their owl out they leave as well. It isn’t until after lunch that there is any sign from his friends. Sirius stomps up the stairs to the tower, whistling in a manner far too jovial for Remus’ grim mood. 

“Oh I wonder,” says the dark haired boy, “where my loony loopy Moony might be?” 

Clearly he knows that Remus is up there, how he does is less clear. Remus pokes his head out of the cloak. “I’m not up for games Sirius.” 

Sirius crosses the owlery to where Remus sits. “What are you up for moonbeam?” He asks with a grin. “Some mild calisthenics perhaps?”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. Stays silent. Waits and hopes and prays that Sirius goes away. Sirius doesn’t, but does murmur a warming charm, and suddenly Remus can feel how cold he’s gotten sitting in the autumn wind. He leans back against the wall and stares unblinkingly at a crack in the stone floor. Sirius seems to take this as an affirmative, and slides down the wall next to him, careful not to touch any owl droppings. Remus can hear his friend breathing, can feel Sirius’ arm shift as his lungs fill and contract. He waits through the silence for a few moments before he feels too restless. 

“It’s not that I don’t want you all around. I think you know that. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt, and Sirius, you’ve never been the most logical thinker.”

Sirius leans his head on his friend’s shoulder, lets out one of his Sirius Black, teen disaster TM sighs. “It’ll all be okay, Moony.”

  
  
  


Remus is sure he got down from the tower before nightfall, he is sure that the boys followed him to the shack in a ragtag pack of pets. Remus Lupin is not sure however, how the rest of the night went. He wakes to movement, and the fresh wetness of the morning fog. When he tries to move he feels something contract around his legs. There is a hushing sound from somewhere not far above him, and he can hear James queries of “when did you get so  _ strong _ ?” and he would awfully like to know where he is, or where he is going, but he is warm, and so so tired, and for all the gold in the world can not make his eyelids more than flutter, so he leans into the warm-soft-sway, and falls back asleep. 

 

When he wakes, (for real this time) he is in his own bed. The covers are pulled up to his neck, and he is wearing a t-shirt that is not his own. At the end of the bed sits Sirius Black, a charms text open on his lap. James is on the next bed over, and Peter is slumped on the chair by the fireplace. When Remus stirs, Sirius looks up and smiles at him. 

“Sleeping beauty!” He cries, and Remus regrets introducing his friend to muggle story books. “You have returned to me my fair Moony.”

Remus ignores this comment, but makes a move to shove Sirius off the bed. Not to his disappointment, the other boy holds on firmly. 

James raises his eyebrows and shuts his book, “Not that we didn’t love the surprise mate, but you could have warned us about the clothes thing.”

“Wha-” He tugs at the t-shirt around his neck. It belongs to Sirius. “I thought you knew. You’re the one who did all that werewolf research.”

James flushes at this. “I didn’t do that much research…”

Remus looks at him in disbelief. “I refuse to feel bad about this. I didn’t want you there in the first place. Sirius you can have your shirt back later.”

Sirius shrugs and opens his mouth to say something, before closing it again and going back to his text book. Peter stirs from his chair by the fire, “Moony! You’re a fuckin’ animal mate!”

Remus bristles, “Yes.”

Pete does not seem to notice his friend’s discomfort. “It was wicked!”

Sirius watches Remus tense up as he sits up in bed, pulling his body against the headboard. He grabs one of the other books he has lying on Remus’ bed and throws it at Peter, who catches it more with his stomach than with his hands. 

“You were fine Moony, no interest in us as animals, just like the books say.” James must be trying to look reassuring, Remus knows that's his MO, but he can’t help the sinking guilt that seems to pervade even the most innocent looks.

Remus pulls his knees up to his chest, a ball of boy at the head of his bed. He finds himself immensely glad that the duvet stays put over his body, he can’t be completely sure, but he doesn’t think he’s wearing anything under this t-shirt. With his face buried in his knees he shuffles through apologies. “You guys don’t have to do this again, I get it. It’s bad.” 

And suddenly, Sirius is there, wrapping his arms around Remus, and it’s all that the boy can do not to cry. It seems like Sirius has to do this way to often lately, tend to Remus in the throes of a meltdown, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t enjoy it. 

  
  
  


The silent tension between the boys lasts until the next full moon, until they go through the whole ordeal again and are graced with the same strange kind of success that comes with carrying your naked friend back to his bed under the cover of an invisibility cloak. Remus ends up in Sirius’ shirt again, which is honestly just inconvenient, he refused to take back the first one and Remus can feel a pattern forming. He puts the t-shirt with the last one in his trunk, and vows to sneak them back to Sirius before summer holiday. 

 

That December, when plans start to be made for the winter holiday, Remus does not expect the break to go any different from last year. It is not until the day before the train leaves that the boys drop the ball that they are going with him over break. James mentions casually over breakfast that he can’t wait to meet Remus’ mom, that she must be just as smart as her son. Remus literally drops his fork on the floor, narrows his eyes at James. 

“What are you playing at, Prongs?” He growls.

James doesn’t look like he expected this to be surprising information. “Over holiday? I don’t think we’d be able to stay at your house without meeting your mom.” He turns to Sirius. “I thought you were going to tell him.”

Sirius pouts. “I thought it would be a nice surprise.”

James rolls his eyes. “It’s a surprise all right. My dad arranged it with yours, Moony. We’re going to the Lupin’s for Christmas!”

Peter snorts, and Remus looks to where a new fork has appeared next to his plate. “Perfect.”

 

Hope Lupin almost cries when Sirius and James compliment her on dinner the first night. When the the boys are getting ready for bed on the floor of Remus’ room, Hope pulls Remus into the kitchen and hugs him with all of the force she has in her slender arms, Remus’ lankiness sure didn’t come from his stocky father. She squishes him so hard that for a moment Remus remembers that he is real, then she lets him go with tears in her eyes and kisses him on the forehead. 

“I’m glad that you have those boys Remus.” She says. “I was worried you didn’t have anyone looking out for you up there in scotland.” 

Remus reciprocates the kiss his mother left on him, he is tall enough to reach her head just as easily as she reaches his and he can’t help but think that it will not always be this way. He leaves his mother in the kitchen with a smile when Sirius calls from the bedroom.

  
  


For the rest of the year, the marauders are a unit. Full stop. This means that if the four of them can’t be found in the common room, they’re under the invisibility cloak. They explore the whole of the castle and document their findings on a makeshift map. The four boys only just fit under the cloak all together now, but there are jokes of spellwork to track Filch so that the squeeze is unnecessary. Peter buys a muggle joke book and they spend nine consecutive evenings trying to explain all of the jokes to Sirius and James. Even Lily starts to hang around more often. She trades her biting remarks for potions help, and James is suddenly pulling an O in Slughorn’s class. 

 

Halfway back on the train ride home, Lily bursts into the marauders carriage. Remus has been friends with Lily for long enough that he can see in her eyes that the next person to talk to her is going to get their skull bashed in, so he says nothing. Peter is afraid of girls, and Sirius went to agitate the trolley lady, so that leaves James to try to incorporate Lily in a way that won’t result in internal bleeding. Instead of doing exactly the kind of harebrained thing that Remus expects, James simply gets up and sits next to Lily. He pulls out a bar of honeydukes finest and offers her a square. She takes it but doesn’t smile, and they sit like that for a while. Sirius must have gotten a lecture from the trolley lady, because he isn’t back yet when Lily finally breaks her silence. 

“I think I might need a place to sit on the ride up next year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i needed certain things to happen and i just blocked them up yikes. I still really dont love my own inconsistency so its fine


	5. Year Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Bitch, I'm not dead.
> 
> University is hard shit.

Moony,  
Lily still won’t tell me what’s wrong, but I think Snivellus has something to do with it. In all of her letters she avoids talking about him. I fucking hate him, Moony, I don’t know what he did to Lil, but he never deserved her anyway.  
How are you fairing on the map? Did you figure out the magical signature charm? Sirius is already planning hijinks that can only be pulled off if we know exactly where everyone is.  
Has Pete owled you at all? He went home to take care of his mum, but never said if we was coming back. It’s so weird to not see you all summer. Every time Sirius and I do anything he talks about what you would say if you were there. It’s really quite annoying, actually. He also keeps pulling girls from the village like it’s a sport, I don’t know what he’s trying to prove, but my mother is going to notice soon. I hope that there’s yelling when it all goes down.  
If you hear anything about Lily will you let me know? I’m worried about her muggle sister, she’s kind of a bad sort. Sirius and I will be over in August, plus Pete if he comes around again.  
See You then,  
Prongs  
P.S. I’ve managed to completely kill the cauliflower, ta for the tips. I just did the opposite of what you told mum to do to keep them alive.

 

Moonpie,  
James told me what he said about my habits, and I would like to make it perfectly clear that I am not doing anything that every other sorry sack in Britain is up to this time of year. A bit of snogging is good for the soul, Remy. Besides, It’s not like I’m held out for someone in particular like our dear Jamesy-poo. I’m sure you could pull if you wanted to, Moony. You’re very handsome in a muggle hippie-rebel with a cause sort of way. Ladies love a scar.  
Have you figured out the map, I have a million ideas. I can’t wait to visit Wales, your mum is lovely and I need to get out of the house. If Wormy owls, ask him where the fuck he’s been, the tosser left James and I with some sorry excuse about his mum. I don’t really think that there’s anything wrong with the woman, maybe other than that she’s a domineering harpy.  
August Approaches,  
Padfoot

 

Remus,  
Please tell James that I can’t talk to him about this stuff. He doesn’t need anymore reason to hate Sev and I don’t want to give him any. Obviously we fought, and are currently not talking. On the bright side, without Sev around all the time, Tuney almost seems to find my presence bearable. I can't say whether or not it will last, but it’s nice to talk to her anyway.  
Have you gotten you letter yet? I’ve made Prefect, would expect you to have as well, were you not occupied rather routinely. Are you and the boys going to be in Diagon the week before term? That's when I’m buying my books, and I’m not used to going alone. If there’s anything that you could say to James to get him to lay off, that’d be great.

Love,  
Lily Evans

 

When term has restarted, and the student body is once again in the swing of things, Remus finds himself spending a lot of time alone again. It is oddly reminiscent of long nights of first year by himself at the top of the astronomy tower, he would be more lonely were it not for his friends unwavering loyalty and help on the full moons.  
Now when he spends time in solitude, it is because James is off with Lily, doing actual school work, Sirius is flirting with some bird in the common room, and Peter is- well, nobody really knows where Pete is. He’s taken to lounging in the kitchens as a rat, so he really can’t be up to anything to malicious.

It is odd to come back to his star charts after so much disuse, the dates on the first two that he ever made have to be manually updated. He made them so early in his academic career, and the most recent leap year has thrown all the dates askew. It is on an October night, that he spends staring at the sky when Sirius shows up.  
It isn’t as if Remus hasn’t seen his friend in days or any such nonsense. He sits next to Sirius in transfiguration and muggle studies four days a week. The black haired boy sits down on the stones by his friend and examines the maps.

  
“Moony, I’ve known you were a genius for a long time, but I can’t believe you made these during first year.” He pokes the Canis constellation. “You added me.”

That's the problem with spending so much time alone, he only thinks about all the things that he and Sirius do together. When the boy Remus Lupin has been avoiding thinking about for the last three months sits down ever too close, it is so much harder to keep the distance inside his head. He shrugs and rubs his eyes before he realizes that Sirius hasn’t looked away from the maps at all.

“It’s been a pain in the rear fixing all the mistakes I made back then.” He says to the top of his friend’s head.

“How can you figure this out, but not apply it to our castle map plan?” Sirius looks seriously puzzled, and stares unblinkingly at Remus, who immediately goes red. “Why can’t we apply the same tracking spells to people’s magical signatures?”

Remus does not answer, but instead lays back against the floor and pretends to be hyper-interested in the night sky. Sirius tries to get his attention again, Remus still doesn’t answer, but can feel his ears go red and knows he’s made.

“Remus Lupin!” Black exclaims, “Have you been hiding mischief from us?” He jumps on his prone friend, and Remus feels all of the air leave his lungs. “Why would you rob us such an opportunity?”

Remus tries to shrug again, but his shoulders stay lodged under the weight of Sirius Black, and it is all Remus can do to continue to think of Dumbledore in tights to keep his dignity intact.  
“If you’d get off me,” He says, looking for reprieve now from any means necessary. “I could show you.”

  
Black smirks, “I knew you’d figured out how to do it.” but he moves off his friend.

Remus rolls his eyes and smiles gamely. “I’ve actually already done it.”

Sirius tackles his friend right back to the floor of the tower. “That's the Moony I know and love!”

And Remus Lupin can’t make himself forget those words. He thinks it to himself, “I am the moony he knows and loves.” lets himself believe for a moment.

 

For a week and a half, there is only group activity. Everything the marauders do is together, and everything they do is a prank. McGonagall seems to know that the recent spike in mischief should be blamed on the boys in the gryffindor fifth year dorm, but can’t seem to find any proof.

Every time a new trap is set, Prefect Lily Evans gets there a second too late, and Prefect Remus Lupin almost never appears at all. It’s almost like they know something.

 

After a prank involving the prefects bathroom, four rotisserie chickens and an invisibility spell goes down, (Lily arriving seconds too late, as is the new norm) James finally finds the stones to ask Lily Evans on a proper date.

He goes up to her with still wet hair, and bubbles sticking to the soles of his shoes. Sirius and Remus giggle rather obviously from the sofa.

“Lily,” James says, shuffling his feet, letting the suds scrape onto the carpet. “Would you maybe want to- I meant I know you said not to ask again, but-”

Lilly interrupts him. “No, James Potter, I know what you are about to say. Will you go to Hogsmeade weekend with me?”

James has gone pale, but nods enthusiastically. From the couch Sirius is laughing hysterically, while Remus tries to keep a silencing hand over his mouth. Lily turns to the two of them and raises an eyebrow pointedly. Remus yanks Sirius to his feet.

“Well, right then, we’d better see where Pete’s gotten to.” Remus pulls Sirius toward the exit of the common room.

Sirius salutes haphazardly, “See you two love birds later”

Remus smacks him, pushes Sirius out of the portrait hole and then follows out himself, waiting patiently for Sirius to pick himself up off the ground. When he does, he begins laughing again, and would fall to the ground where it not for the arm he has slung around Remus’ neck.

“James got asked out by a _girl_.” he says emphatically.

Remus starts to walk, steering them toward the kitchen where he hopes to find Peter.  
“I’m sure James’d rather that than being asked out by a boy.” He tries not to think about how he would like to be asked out by a boy, a boy who is standing far too close and smells like soap suds.

Sirius laughs even harder at this. “James doesn’t know what he’s missing, getting asked out by a boy is rather lovely, Moony. You should try it sometime.”

Remus tries not to let himself hope that Sirius isn’t joking. He stoically tickles the pear as they enter the kitchen. “I’ll get right on that, Sirius.”

Sirius’ eyes go kind of dim and he looks away. The two disentangle and join Peter where they have found him speaking with a couple of house elves. Remus could swear that Sirius keeps looking at him, but everytime he looks back, Sirius’ gaze is focused on Whipsy, who is talking every excitedly about the possibility of a new elf in the kitchen. Remus chides himself for wishing.

 

***

 

It is not long after this that Peter starts dating Mary McDonald. Unlike their other friend, Pete does ask her out first. A fact that Sirius can’t help but to try and rub in James’ face. James however does not seem to mind, too preoccupied at the thought of dating Lily at all. It is in this way that Sirius and Remus fall together.

Not in the way that Remus has been hoping for, not in the way with snogging and suggles in the common room, (not for Sirius’ lack of trying, the boy would try to cuddle a porcupine) but in the lads who’re best friends no homo kind of way (not that Remus would ever actually say no homo. He wants all the homo, but he just can’t help but distance himself from Sirius’ grabby hands).

So they are best friends. Remus has known this, Sirius has been his stargazing partner for years, but it feels different now that Pete and James don’t put in the occasional appearance. The two of them are _RemusAndSirius_ the way people used to say _JamesAndSirius_. Remus thinks that maybe Sirius hasn’t noticed until he brings it up one night in the tower.

 

 

“Did you know that the gryffindor girls have gotten it through their heads that we’re dating?” Sirius says mindlessly. He’s lying on the floor of the tower, wand over his head making sparks appear, the nervous energy he’s dispelling the only sign that he isn’t completely relaxed.

Remus really was focused on his charts for once, not watching Sirius out of the corner of his eye, so perhaps that this is why the message does not fully sink in before he responds. Remus only hums and goes back to his stars.

Sirius sits up, “Doesn’t it bother you at all, Moony?” the accusing way that he says this makes Remus finally look up.

“Does what bother me?” Remus says. He tries to recall what Sirius was talking about before this turn in conversation.

“That people think that we’re gay.”

Remus is still trying to figure out where the lede got away from him, doing little more than thinking out loud when he says, “How do they know?” he frowns a bit. “Lily wouldn’t really tell them would she?” It is then that he sees Sirius’ face, and all of his words catch up to him. For some reason the only reaction he can manage is-  
“Wait what?”

“The gryffindor girls all think that we’re dating.” Sirius waves off this information as if it is no longer important. “Remus, are you actually gay?”

Remus Lupin is frozen in place. He lets the edges of his star charts go and the scrolls roll up into themselves. “Uhh… I mean, well- yeah.”

Sirius is silent for a moment, “What the fuck, Moony?”

Remus shrugs.and Sirius continues, “Lily knows? You told Lily and not me? You’re my best friend, Remus, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

Remus goes a little pale, this is everything he’d wanted to avoid. “It’s not like I really told Lily, she just seemed to know.” The back of his mind repeats a mantra of - _stop asking questions, stop asking questions, stop asking questions-_ and he can feel his hear his heart beating too hard.

Sirius still looks broken, like somehow it is worse that he has hid this than anything else they’ve gone through, (which is saying something for the secrets that Remus has burdened his friends with before) and Remus crumbles.

“Hey, you okay, Moony?” Sirius asks, moving closer to where Remus is sitting paralyzed in a state of shock, “Who else knows?”

Remus pulls his legs up to sit cross legged, and leans against the low brick wall of the tower. “Well, I told my mum. And Lily found out. But apparently the whole of the girls in our house know so…” He lets his head fall to the stones behind his back.

Sirius finishes his little butt scoots over to Remus, tucks his left knee under Remus’ right, and puts his head on a tense shoulder. Remus can almost hear what Sirius doesn’t say, the - _this doesn’t change anything-_ that echoes in Remus’ mind like a threat, exudes from Sirius like a prayer. Remus lets his head fall over Sirius’ where it lies on his shoulder and lets out a sigh.

“I suppose that I’m going to have to tell James and Pete now too.”

Sirius resumes twirling his wand, but makes no move to lean his head away from under Remus’. “I suppose. If you’re ready of course. Sorry I kind of forced it out of you.”

Remus shrugs. “It’s not like I didn’t know that this was coming.” He is quiet for a moment. “I thought it might change things more than this.” Remus says to the top of Sirius’ head.

“Well it’s not like I’m going to quit on you for liking boys.” Sirius says and Remus feels every muscle in his heart contract at once.

“How was I supposed to know that.” He’s a little peeved that Sirius is brushing him off like this. He thinks he might cry if he weren’t so manly and lionhearted. The tears in his eyes don’t seem to get the memo and arrive anyway; welling up, but not over, and for that Remus is glad.

Sirius sits up and looks at him, “Hey, what do you mean. I’m the one who told you that being asked out by boys was quite lovely.” His brows quirking as he thinks through the past conversation. “You said you’d get right on it.” Sirius grabs Remus by the face. “Moony, who are you mooning over?” He demands.

And _oh no_ , Sirius is so close that Remus can only do his best not to lean in further, remembering the question enough to answer it could prove impossible.

“Moony!” Sirius exclaims, and jumps to his feet.

Remus pitches forward, and thanks whatever deities exist that he didn’t a second sooner, when Sirius was still so close to his lips. He plays it off as the reaction of Sirius getting up and looks at him with what he can only hope is mildly questioning, and not completely smitten. “Padfoot.”

“I will find out who you’re crushing on, Moony. And I will help you woo him.” Sirius is pacing the tower and looks like nervous energy incarnate. “Who wouldn’t love you?”

Remus Lupin wants to cry, and honestly it’s the second time he’s been in that mood in what can really only be ten minutes, so he does. He lays completely down on the floor of the tower and looks at the stars, the first friends he ever made, and then he sees Sirius out of the corner of his eye, and the boy looks so startled by Remus’ crying that he’s frozen in place. Sirius doesn’t do anything but stand there, and Remus can’t help but think that's him, that's him, that's him, so he lets out another sob and closes his eyes for a very long moment, trying to figure out a way to explain this away.

He hears Sirius moving around again so he opens his eyes, and there he is, face too close again, Sirius is crouched over his knees, looking into his eyes upside down, forehead adjacent to Remus’ chin, and he looks so _worried_.

“Am I being too much? James says that sometimes I am too much”

Suddenly Remus is laughing, because he has heard that argument before. It usually happens in the common room after Sirius has said something particularly salacious.  
James says something like, “Maybe that’s a bit much, Black”  
And then Sirius will stiffen, because his second name is Not To Be Used, and go very quiet. Every time it happens it makes Remus a little bit sad, because he never thinks that Sirius is Too Much, and always likes to hear his voice.

So Remus laughs, this boy who is in front of him, who he wants every part of, is asking if he is Too Much. He definitely isn’t, but also is, in the way that Remus thinks he might actually explode if Sirius did one thing that seemed like he might reciprocate.

And Sirius laughs too, though he seems to be laughing because he is so glad that Remus is no longer crying, but Remus is still crying, he’s just also laughing, and he is laying on the floor of the tallest tower in the castle, with his best friend who he also loves. Sirius lays down next to him, and they watch the stars until they fall asleep, and Remus can’t help but wish it was a first date.

***

 

After that night on the tower, things do change a bit. Sirius is a tiny bit careful when the marauders have meandering conversations, to keep anyone from saying anything about Remus. And sure, Remus is glad to have someone to watch out for him, but he isn’t actually in any kind of danger. Pete and James are on the same threat level as their animagus forms on any given day, and Remus can’t say that he’d run from a rat or a deer (“It’s a _stag_ ”) should he meet them in the forest.

Whether it’s for the stop of Sirius’ walk on eggshells, or for the good of his friends, Remus decides that he has to tell them what he told Sirius on the tower. This starts with Pete in the kitchens on saturday morning, earlier than Sirius or James would ever get up on a weekend.

They sit at the end of the prep table and eat scones that Whipsy has painstakingly arranged onto a circle platter. Peter talks about how he thinks that him and Mary might be getting serious. Says that he really likes her, and that gives Remus the perfect opening to say,  
“I don’t think that I’m ever going to like a girl that way.” And he doesn’t stutter, because it’s just Pete, Pete who loves his friends more than anything and hates being alone. So he is not surprised when Peter’s reaction is flat. The boy takes another bite of scone and shrugs, swallowing before wrinkling his chin.

“So boys then? You like them?” He says. And he looks so confused that Remus has to laugh a little bit.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Are you actually dating Sirius, then?”

Remus wants to die. If only. “No. Is everyone really saying that? Why?”

Peter makes a little humming noise and takes another bite, “Probably because you spend all of your time together.”

For some reason, Remus doesn’t have a retort for that, but because the scones are dry, and he has finished his milk already, he finds himself unable to answer for quite some time anyway.

***

When he tells James, he actually doesn’t really tell him at all. Pete sort of lets it slip one night in the tactless way that only Pete could.

The boys are lounging around the common room late one evening, after even the prefects had gone to bed. Because it’s the weekend, there are no consequences to the late hour, and Sirius and James were determined to take full advantage. Sirius and Pete argued over a muggle magazine, something that Remus would try to stop were it anyone else, but it seemed a shame to quash the backbone that Pete seemed to be growing.

“I’m just saying,” Pete was just saying, “that Debbie Harry is hotter for a girl than any guy from The Saints is for a guy.”

“That is not what you were just saying!” Sirius yelled, and James was quick to flick his wand, casting a silencing charm over the four of them. “You said that Debbie Harry was better looking than all of The Saints put together, which is just unfair.” Sirius grabbed the magazine from Peter and waved his evidence around the room. “Sure, none of The Saints are knockouts of any kind, but neither is Debbie Harry. She is a fairly average blond girl. Ed and Kym are both fairly attractive men, I don’t see why that doesn’t more than equal Debbie Harry.”

James raises his eyebrows from the couch, “You feel passionate about this, Pads?”

Sirius sniffed. “I do, as a matter of fact.”

Peter rolled his eyes, “That’s quite clear. Really we should be asking Remus. Are any members of The Saints attractive?”

Remus startles a bit, looks to where James is making A Face, and shrugs. “Chris Bailey is pretty easy on the eyes.” Remus looks James Potter in the eyes. “I’m gay, incase we weren’t all on the same page.” He turns back to Pete and Sirius. “Also, Sirius is right. They aren’t knockouts, but three sixes and a four is definitely more than seven.”

James recovers, and jumps into the argument, “No way that _Debbie_ _Harry_ is less than a strong eight. I would die for Debbie Harry.”

Sirius snorts. “Don’t let Lily hear you say that.”

“Lily agrees, were naming our daughter Debora.”

“Really?”

“Now we are.”

 

***

After that, Remus Lupin feels like a full fledged adult. He knows that any actual adult would definitely remind him that he was still in fact, a child, but life was a lot easier to carry on your back when you had a knapsack.  
For the moment all of his problems seemed small. Sure, he was still in love with his best friend, who was shockingly obtuse about the whole situation, but before he was in love with his best friend who was shockingly obtuse, and he couldn’t tell anyone that he felt that way in the first place.  
Coming out of the closet did wonders for Remus’ self esteem, if not for his social life. Outside the boys and Lily, there weren’t a lot of people that Remus felt he had to come out too, so in a lot of ways that was the end of it.  
Remus lived his life, and was Out of the Closet, and tried not to think about Sirius’ neck, which was really just too shapely for its own good.

 

Fifth year is freeing. His friends know who he is, and love him anyway. He learns how to cast a patronus charm and feels for all the world as if he could take on anything now.  
In May, so close to the end of the school year if almost isn't worth it, a boy from Ravenclaw _notices_ Remus. Benjy Fenwick is the son of a _very_ liberal family of purebloods, and as such, has no problem being publicly gay and dating a boy a year younger than himself.

  
Benjy is perfect, and smart, and funny, and gets along well with the boys and Lily, who is now a permanent part of the marauders.  
The only problem, is that he is not Sirius Black. His hair, the same color black, is not nearly so long or shiny. Really, aside from the hair color, Benjy doesn’t have a lot in common with Sirius Black. Looks wise, he more resembles James. The two have a similar shade of dark tan skin. Benjy is Mexican, knows Spanish, and has the second cutest accent that Remus has ever heard. The problem with this, is that the boy he is dating comes in second.  
Remus spends the month and a half that he is with Benjy snogging in dark corners, fooling around during quidditch matches, and spending sleepless nights atop the astronomy tower with Sirius Black. Benjy does not know this, of course, doesn’t know that Remus spends hours each night with the boy he wishes he was dating. This is something that Remus spends a lot of time thinking about and feels intensely guilty about.  
Luckily, Benjy doesn’t see them as anything serious. He breaks up with Remus at the end of term, they end amicably and Benjy leaves him with the words, “I know who I’m a replacement for Remy. Why don’t you just tell him?”

  
The growing pattern this year, it seems, is to surprise Remus Lupin into stunned silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, i know full well that the bands that they have a convo about r not real punk rock. i am however, mildly afraid of punk rock, and dont give a flying dik about accuracy fkn sue me
> 
> PS i fkn love debbie harry and that whole bit started as a joke, and im srry
> 
> PPS i kno this is mediocre at best
> 
> PPPS if u look up young chris bailey u will c y remus liked him (he got the moody sirius lewk)


	6. Sirius' Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that this is so short, I have spring break next week so maybe I'll have time to write. Im also in the middle of transferring out of music school so its a bit hectic at the moment. Also I put the chapter count up to 8 to make up for this, so idk.

Sirius,

I won’t be able to make it on the 5th, dad’s got a project that he needs help on. Says to let him indulge while I still want to hang out with “dear old dad”. You know I can’t say no to him, Padfoot. I’ll meet you and the boys in Diagon the week before term, like usual.

See you then,

Remus Lupin

  
  


Even though Sirius gets Remus’ letter three days before they plan to meet at the three broomsticks, and even though Sirius knows that Remus won’t be there, he goes to sit alone anyway. There is a large part of him that knows that this is a mistake. He knows that Remus isn’t going to show, he has stuff with his dad, and while Sirius may not relate to the occasion, he certainly understands the concept. So he goes and sits at the bar alone, and watches a table of his classmates mess about like children.

He thinks that if Remus were here that he might want to go over and chat. Moony is like that, always wants to be polite. He might even convince Sirius that they should sit with the bigger group, and Sirius knows that he would do it, because he would do anything for Moony, even if that means not getting him alone for a few hours.

He knows the names of most of the students sitting in the large corner booth. He recognizes the a girl who sat with him on the train first year, and the one who is the newly appointed Hufflepuff head girl. He sees the boy Remus dated last year and one of Lily’s friends from out of house. When they notice him looking, waves are exchanged, and Sirius tries to look not miserable, and turns back around.

Rosmerta gives him a look that says _order or leave_ , so he asks for a butterbeer and sets some coins on the counter. He hears someone come up to the counter next to him as he lays his head to the slightly sticky wood, and prays that it isn’t Benjy. He sees a pair of glittery muggle trainers under a fluorescent skirt and lets out a breath. It’s the girl from the train, first year.

She has pink hair and is a little chubby, but she has a smattering of freckles across her nose, and is smiling at him, so even though she’s really not his type at all, he puts on his best grin. He almost drops it before he looks up all the way, because he remembers that he is in love with the boy who cancelled on him, and feels instantly guilty, but Remus isn’t here. Almost enough to stop smiling, but not quite.

She notices his grin, and her eyes flash blue to green to blue again and she raises an eyebrow. “Save it Black, I’m more queer than you are.” 

It is then that he remembers why he sat with her on the train. Naantali Blishwick is family, sort of, distantly. Not really at all, now that Sirius’ been thrown out of it.

Her parents aren’t his parents favorite relatives, but there was a possibility that he would have been forced to marry this girl eventually should he have stayed. He knows that she was on the short list. He smiles again, but this time it is a much different one.

“Guess I dodged a bullet for the both of us then.”

Naantali snorts and her hair goes to the traditional Black family black, curling up slightly. Sirius is struck dead for a moment as she does a spot on imitation of his mother. “ _We are sorry dear, we know how you loved our dear Sirius._ ”

Sirius feels all of the blood drain from his face, but tries to play it off. “Didn’t realizes you were a metamorphmagus.”

Naantali rolls her eyes. “The number of people in our family who just ignore their gift out of some-” She cuts herself off. “You know your mother is telling people that you’re dead.”

Sirius shrugs. “I am to her I suppose. Now that she’s blasted me off the tapestry and everything.”

“From what I can tell, you’ll be better for it. Aunt Andromeda sure is.” She holds up four fingers to Rosmerta, and then turns back to Sirius. “At least her daughter won’t be told that being a metamorphmagus isn’t for polite company.”

Sirius’ jaw drops. “You’ve met her?”

“Yeah. My mum visits every week or so. Says that sometimes family is more than their actions. I reckon she’s on to something. You could probably go over and meet her too, you know.”

Sirius sighs and looks down at his half empty pint. “Yeah, I guess.”

“She’d like you. Anyway, it shouldn’t be long before your mother starts pretending I don’t exist either.” She looks back at her table, where Hufflepuff’s head girl, Amelia Dippit is laughing with Benjy. “If I ever make it to asking her out.” Naantali looks away to grab her drinks, and Sirius watches Amelia sneak a look at her bum from the table.

“She’ll say yes.” Sirius says. “She looks at you the same way.

Naantali looks like she would smack him if her hands weren’t full. “You know, yours would say yes too. Benjy talked a lot about Remus back then. He would say yes too.” She walks back to her table, laughing before she even sets the drinks down.

Sirius thinks about the hole she talked him in, out, and around of, and is suddenly stuck dumb by how unsurprised he is by the Slytherin-ness of his cousin. He finishes his butterbeer and leaves.

It’s no fun drinking alone after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im Naantali and I just want my crush to like me back. I love her and if I have to look at her stupid face one more time im going to die. Catch me writing myself into my story bc i want my crush to like me back fml
> 
> Also no, to answer your question, i have not considered any kind of formatting consistency. That would be very off brand for me.


	7. Year 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as if there were something sirius could do to make remus stop loving him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like 2014 jenna marbles were i say i upload on a sched. but really just occasionally disappear.
> 
> lets pretend the reason this took so long was the unmanageable length. still havent really considered consistency whaddup

Moony,

I saw the letter that you sent Padfoot, saying you wouldn’t be round for drinks last week. I think you should know that the twat went anyway. I didn’t see it until after he’d gone, but he said that was where he was going. If you weren’t there I’m a little concerned that he was off to do something drastic.

I know he pretends to be fine about his whole family disowning him, but I know he’s not and you probably do too. Whenever we stay up too late he gets rather fatalist. I’m worried about him, but if I ever say anything he’ll go crazy trying to cover it up. Let me know if you hear anything.

September approaches,

James

 

*

 

Remus,

The summer is going great. Mum and I went to Brazil. Mary broke up with me but that’s okay. I think I knew it was coming.

See you soon,

Pete

 

*

 

Moon-pie,

I miss you dearly. I have decided to only engage in the type of correspondence that victorian men wrote one another, regardless of relationship. Please see attached letter for further post.

Sirius

\--

Dearest Moon-pie,

I long await your tender touch. Were the days not passing, I should guess summer attempting to last forever, would separate you from me indefinitely. I pine for the days atop towers, and secrets built of our devotion. There is no vocabulary to express my love for you, no typeface that might contain my passions. In the evenings I oft weep for the curve of your smile, and crave the tune of your sweet laugh. If we might meet only at the end of the dreadful season, I wish it’s demise post haste.  

 

With endless adoration,

Sirius Orion Black

 

PS can you believe that people used to write like this? Mrs. P is big into muggle literature and it’s all as gay as can be

 

PPS There was some guy who literally called this other dude his husband, and everyone just pretends it was straight. I Don’t Believe It For A Second.

  


**

  


At the beginning of summer holidays, when Remus said goodbye to his best friends, and the boy he had a crush on, they were all decidedly children. Pete had baby fat, James fire called his mum whenever possible, and Sirius, while attractive was more cute than hot. This is not the case at the end of the summer.

 

Remus knows that he’s changed too. He’s been growing his hair out since third year, and when he climbs onto the train it is in a bun that he would never have thought he could pull off at the start of summer. He had been too self conscious of being a _boy_ wearing his hair up. After a season of working for his father in warm weather he can concede the style out of necessity. He likes the warm breeze on the back of his neck, and it just feels better to have it all out of the way sometimes. He has grown out of his baggy sweaters, or rather he has grown into them. No longer are they loose pulls of wool settled around a slight frame. Being a working werewolf has turned him into the kind of man that graced the cover of witch weekly. Remus knows he looks good, it is not in his nature to be self obsessed, but it is nice to look in the mirror and like his reflection.

 

For all the growing up that Remus did, he did not expect his friends to do the same. James has traded in his old glasses for something a bit more mature, and is already sitting calmly talking to Lily, eyes bright with the delight of talking to the girl he loves, but refraining from smothering her with any kind of proclamation.

 

Pete is more brown than Remus has ever seen him. He knew conceptually, that Peter was italian before, but a summer of sunny Brazil has brought the kind of color to his skin that Remus didn’t know was possible for the sallow boy. He has shed the last of his baby fat, and lounges across one side of the carriage. Peter is the first to notice Remus standing in the doorway.

 

“Moony! Look at you!” He says, jumping up in greeting. “We missed you at Diagon!”

 

Remus shrugs and allows Pete to sling an arm around his shoulder. “Sorry boys, had plans.”

 

James smiles at him, and Remus doesn’t miss the hand his has on Lily’s thigh. “We’ll forgive you eventually I suppose.”

 

Remus knocks his shoulder and sits down in the spot vacated by Peter’s feet. “Where’s Sirius?”

 

Peter rolls his eyes. “Talking to some distant cousin, I’m sure. She’s all he’s talked about for the past week.”

 

Remus can feel it the moment that James registers the look of his face, he is quick to amend Peter’s statement. “They’re commiserating being burned off the family tree. Though it’s not as bad for her, I hear.”

 

Remus knows that the fact that Sirius was expected to end up with one of his cousins was one of the reasons that he left in the first place. Yet he can’t help the tightening of his gut at the mention of Sirius’ attention going to someone else.

 

James is still looking at Remus like he knows something. “Apparently her parents don’t care so much that she’s dating a girl. Just ol’ Walburga. Sirius encouraged her to go for it, so now he feels guilty. You know how he is.”

 

Remus lets himself let out a breath and gets comfortable in his seat, glad that his bun sits high enough on his head that he can lean back comfortably. He thinks he might know who James is talking about now. Naantali is one of Benjy’s friends, he liked her quite a lot actually. She was one of the people who figured the whole Sirius situation out for Benjy. Remus gets why she told him. It wasn’t fair of him to use Benjy as a stand in, had their relationship been any more serious it would have been downright cruel.

 

He opens his mouth to react to James’ statement when the door to the compartment slides wildly, before Remus is tackled by an amalgam of limbs and black hair.

 

“Hello, Sirius.” Remus manages from under his best friend, and the boy he desperately wants to keep this close forever. “Miss me, did you?”

 

“Moony, you are not allowed to stand me up ever again.” Sirius is speaking right into the side of Remus’ neck. Over his best friend’s hair he can see James with that _look_ again, and this time Lily is in on it too.

 

“I didn’t stand you up, you berk. I owled you like a week in advance.”

 

Sirius sighs like this is very inconsiderate of him. “I know Moony, but I had to go anyway just in case.”

 

Remus shakes his head a bit. “In case of what?”

 

“In case you showed up of course!” Sirius pulls away, drags Remus to his feet, and holds him at an arm’s length, looking him up and down. “Look at you Moon pie, a regular minx.” His arms seem to have multiplied, and suddenly he is touching Remus everywhere. “The hair, the biceps, the sweater-filled out so nicely.” As Sirius says all of these things he is touching the corresponding parts of Remus, and Remus loves it, so he lets Sirius Black put his hands all over him and goes very quiet.

 

Sirius’ hands leave Remus alone for a split second before they are holding his face just a tiny bit too tightly. “I did miss you dearly, you know.” He says.

 

And that is when Remus notices how dreadfully close the two of them are, and steps back a bit, hyper-aware of his other friends in the compartment. He sits back down next to Peter and grins at his friends. “How does it feel now that I’m the hot friend, not one of you goblin munchers?” Remus asks, mostly to Sirius and James.

 

This is something else he has learned over the summer holiday, how to act incredibly sure of himself. It had been awhile since anyone really harassed him for anything- he was 6 feet tall, and generally strong looking- but his gayness in some circles and lycanthropy in others made him a near constant target. Remus Lupin found that the more sure of yourself you were, the less sure people around you were that they wanted to continue provoking you at all.

 

In response to his statement, James just snorts, but Sirius- currently in the process of getting Remus to scoot over enough to sit next to- lets out a laugh.

 

“You’ve always been the hot friend, Moony.” He says as he gets himself situated. “How many times have I told you that the scar gives you mystery?”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. “Fuck off, Padfoot. We’ve been watching your vain arse style your hair every morning for the last 5 years.” He snorts a little before pulling out a book. “Anyone would think you’re the queer one.”

 

Sirius looks puzzled for a moment. “Like you’ve got a monopoly on liking cock, Remy.”

 

Peter throws his shoe and it hits Sirius smack in the chest. “Oi, Black, this your big coming out moment?”

 

“It does have that ring to it doesn’t it? I mean it’s no late night astronomy tower confession but…”

 

This time Remus throws a shoe. “ _Fuck_ off, Sirius.”

  


***

  


For the first time in his Hogwarts career, Remus feels as if the start of the year is just a routine of going through the motions. He goes to class, and walks the halls on his nights on duty, and sits atop the astronomy tower on the others. It’s fine, he does all the same things he did last year, but somehow it feels wrong. He hesitates to share this sentiment with his friends for the conversation it will create.

 

Everyone knows which students didn’t come back this year. The seventh year class is down twelve students. There are whispers that confirm which ones joined the Dark Lord, and which ones were killed by him. It makes Remus think of the men who approached him during the summer. The promises they made of greatness. He remembers the look in Greyback’s eyes, the man didn’t recognize him at all. Not that Remus had any plans for joining up before, but the man who gave him what could easily be classified as the worst gift he’d ever received showing up at his workplace, and then looking at him like he was no one. That was never going to happen. Remus remembers the looks on their faces, the feral gleam in their eyes. He’d given several ambiguous answers, as per Dumbledore’s request, and avoided being caught alone for the rest of the summer months.

 

The memories tap the inside of his skull, and Remus thinks he might combust if he can’t talk to anyone, but Dumbledore has not yet asked. He would tell one of his friends, but James is always busy, Peter really shouldn’t have to carry anything weighing more than a small cat on his shoulders, and Sirius- well. Sirius just left all of that behind. They watched his struggle with his family for years. Remus can’t make him watch another struggle with the call of dark magic.

 

Perhaps it is because of this that nights on the tower become muted affairs. Remus spreads maps out, and Sirius watches him. They both lie on the floor of the tower, opposite ways on the stones so that their heads fall near one another in the middle. They mumble names of constellations, and point out stars, never talking about anything.

 

Not the good kind of not talking, Remus thinks. Not the kind with kissing instead of talking, and not the kind with comfortable silence. The kind of not talking about anything that takes up the whole space and then some. The kind of not talking that Remus thinks might drive him insane, if Sirius’ hair doesn’t first.

 

They are an hour deep into this kind of not talking when it seems that Sirius can’t take it anymore. He sits up and crosses his legs, watches a tentative Remus do the same so they are facing each other.

 

“Remus,” Sirius says when he has deemed Remus to be decently situated. “Has it occured to you that I am not joking all the time?”

 

Remus tilts his head, can’t help the small frown that fall on his face. “Sorry?” He’s not quite sure where this is going if he’s being perfectly honest.

 

“I’m not always joking. Like when I told you that being asked out by boys is rather lovely, or that it might be my big coming out moment. It seems to me, that you do not yet get the picture here, Remy, that I am rather queer.”

 

Remus, for all the three syllable words in his vocabulary, can't remember a single one.

 

“ _Fuck._ ” He breathes, rather unintuitively. His head should be whirring at ninety miles an hour, but all he can think of, over and over, is kissing Sirius Black.

 

And he knows, oh god does he know, that really this doesn’t change anything. He lectures Pete on it sometimes, that just because he found one other gay kid in Hogwarts doesn’t mean that they have to date.

 

So he doesn’t kiss his best friend, even though he wants to, so badly it hurts somewhere deep in his chest, and in that moment he thinks he might die.

 

“Moony?” Sirius says, small and vulnerable. “I feel like this should be way less of a shock than me finding out about you.”

 

Remus watches Padfoot cave in on himself, but still can’t make himself form human words, for all that he is fighting the way his lips want to purse in anticipation.

 

“I mean I know I joke about it all the time. Well not really joke so much really-” Sirius looks like he may fall apart if Remus doesn’t say something, but Remus can’t. He is thinking far too much about how he can’t kiss Sirius Black.

 

Remus does the second best thing and leans forward on his knees and hugs Sirius’ shoulders to his chest.

 

When Sirius has stopped taking too quick shallow breaths, and Remus has stopped looking at his lips for long enough to focus, he says in Sirius’ ear, “You know I love you no matter what, right?” And it hurts him to say. Because he does love Sirius, just not in the way he is implying now. He’s glad that Sirius can’t see his face, afraid of what the dark haired boy might see there.

 

“Yeah. I know.”

  


There is something hollow about Sirius’ voice.

 

***

  


In November, Dumbledore calls Remus to his office. McGonagall tells him to meet the headmaster after class. As Remus gets closer to the staircase he gets ready to guess every sweet he can think of as a password, but the stairs start moving upward almost before he reaches them. When he reaches the top, the door is already open and the headmaster is looking out the window pensively.

 

Remus can't help but feel that the old man must manufacture these situations just for the delight of acting a scene out of some old mystery novel.

 

“Professor Dumbledore.” Remus says as he closes the door. “You asked for me?”

 

The old man turns from the window and gestures toward a chair set opposite his desk. “Have a seat, Remus. We have much to discuss.”

 

Remus wants to roll his eyes at the theatrics, but sits down. Dumbledore sits stoically at his desk, waiting for Remus to talk. Remus considers for a moment that he won’t be the first one to break the silence, but he knows from experience that Dumbledore would go on all day like that; sitting silently, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

 

“They came to talk to me just like you said.” Remus starts, because someone has to, and deep down he thinks that Dumbledore must care about him at least a little bit or he would not have been so vocal about Remus’ inclusion in Hogwarts. It’s just hard to remember after a summer of being used as bait for a trap that no one will tell him about.

 

Instead of the yelling that he can almost feel bubbling from his chest, Remus lets out a long breath. He tells Dumbledore of the men who came to see him. About how their eyes promised to go through with the sharp sound of thinly veiled threats. Remus talks about how they somehow knew that he was a werewolf, even though he was still technically a minor and that should be privileged information. He lets his hands shake and his voice crack, because there is no point in pretending to Dumbledore that he is not afraid. The day that three dark looking men showed up at his house last summer was the most terrifying day in Remus’ life.

 

When he is done speaking, and realizes that now Dumbledore is the only one who knows that this happened outside of himself, he suddenly has the urge to find Sirius and tell him too, previous reservations be damned. His best friend should get to know the new cast of his nightmares. Remus waits for the inevitable line from the headmaster about how he is too young, and he is not surprised when it comes after his offer to join The Order.

 

“You are still a boy, Remus.” The old man says, and Remus is nodding before he even finishes.

 

“I’ll be 17 in March, Professor. You know what that means.” It means that he will be of age and his name will be available on the werewolf registry for anyone looking. It means never holding a job, or starting a family. It means that in a few short months Remus will be in more danger than ever before.

 

Dumbledore still doesn’t acquiesce, but he sighs. “Come see me in March, Remus. We can talk about this then.”

 

Remus wants cry. This, while it doesn’t sound affirmative, is the answer that the young man is looking for. “Thank you, Professor.” Remus resets his chair as he leaves the room.

 

Remus Lupin knows when to quit when he’s ahead, he walks out of Dumbledore’s office feeling lighter than he has in months. He has to tell Sirius about the werewolf visitors, and then maybe also about how he has a massive crush. Remus isn’t sure exactly which parts of the stories he’s willing to tell his friend, but he can’t stop to plan it out, this has to be _now_. He starts to rush to the common room, intent on looking for Sirius there, and then should that fail, finding him on the map. Before he can even make it to the stairs, he almost runs into another body headed to the main corridor. Remus makes a grab to hold to whatever has collided with his chest, and finds himself with an armful of Sirius Black.

 

“Oh, hello.” Remus says, at just the same time as Sirius breaths, “Moony.” onto his neck.

 

Suddenly Remus needs Sirius to be at least a foot away, lest this situation become too much for Remus’ self control. He guides Sirius’ shoulders away from his chest and steadies him at arm’s length. He looks into his friend’s eyes, there is something that looks like hope, and Remus suddenly wonders if he has been a lot more transparent about this dark magic business than he wanted to be. He glances at his watch near Sirius’ ear, gets a load of the time, and abruptly realizes that he needs to take his hands off of his friend’s shoulder.

 

“We should get to supper. I’ll tell you tonight.” He doesn’t explain what he is talking about, he knows that Sirius can feel the silence too.

 

The pair of them walk toward the great hall semi-silently and Remus wants to curse when their hands touch and he jerks away sharply. He wants to open his mouth and apologize when he spots James sprinting down the corridor, so instead he sort of yells to his approaching friend “Alright there, mate?”

 

As James approaches Remus realizes from the look on his friend’s face that this is not a yell down the corridor matter. When James reaches them he looks only at Sirius. He seems out of breath, but not so much that his message is lost on the other boys. “You need to be in the dining hall, _now_. It’s Reg.”

 

Sirius does not wait for anymore explanation as he breaks into a dead sprint to the great hall. Remus starts to follow, but James catches his hand. “Don’t bother, they’re kicking everybody else out, I’m not even sure that Padfoot can get in, but it is his brother.”

 

“What’s going on?” Remus didn’t think that Sirius was that close with Regulus anymore, but he sprinted off like someone had lit his trousers on fire.

 

“Not sure. Someone told me he had the mark. I guess a professor found out. When I left McGonagall was sending Dumbledore a message.” As James says this, the spiral stairs of the headmaster’s tower begin to turn, and the man is gliding down them faster than Remus has ever seen the old professor move anywhere. The boys watch their teacher hurry down the hall and around the corner silently.

 

Remus is the first to speak. “I wonder what happens if the school finds out you’re a death eater?” But it isn’t really a question.

 

***

 

What happens is immediate expulsion.  

 

What happens is you leave in the custody of a crumbling ministry and your brother has to sort through which of your things might mean something.

 

What happens is a warrant for your parents questioning and they suddenly disappear off the face of the earth and your family dissolves into the nothing that you’ve known it is for a long time.

 

What happens is your known to be estranged brother has a panic attack looking at your trunk and has to be pulled from the room by his friends and instead of anyone sorting your things, everything is packed up and put away somewhere to rot.

  
  


Remus does not tell Sirius the things that he was hoping to get off his chest; instead he treats his friend like glass and hates himself for it.  Remus knows the feeling of too many people trying to protect him -he’s spent most of his life fleeing the feeling that he is not worth all of it- and yet he tiptoes around Sirius like his steps could be the brick that tips the tower.

 

The problem with acting this way of course, is that Sirius notices. James and Pete have gone back to threatening Sirius in their normal normal pattern by about a week after the event. Remus gets the feeling that they think that ignoring that the whole thing would be best for their friend. He does not agree. Sirius is more moody than ever and rarely visits the astronomy tower for their nightly forays into the stars. Remus can't blame him, but he wonders what Sirius is doing with all that time, because he isn't sleeping. The dark circles under Sirius’ eyes reflect the kind of sleep he’s been getting these days, which is not much, and not for very long. When he is asked about it, Sirius brushes it off. He mumbles something about studying to a couple of concerned girls that ask, and while her friends seem to buy it, Lily does not.

 

Instead, Lily shows up to the astronomy tower on a night that Sirius doesn’t, hiding under James’ cloak. At first, when he hears the creak of the trap door, while seeing nothing, Remus assumes that it is Sirius coming back up to claim his spot. It has been two weeks since the whole fanfare, and not that Remus wants to put a time constraint on Sirius’ processing, but if Sirius doesn’t fall back into his own personality soon Remus will be forced to do something drastic. Alas, it is Lily, come to tell Remus things about his favorite person in the world that he definitely already knows.

 

The first thing that Lily says after pulling off the cloak is, “We have to play a prank on Sirius.”

 

This, of course, is not what Remus expected to hear, so he responds rather dumbfoundedly, “What?” instead of contributing anything to their conversation.

 

Lily sighs, “It’s the only way to get him to snap out of this.” she goes to rummage through Remus’ bag pulls out half a chocolate bar, and breaks it in two, offering some to Remus. “He needs to remember what it feels like to have a good time, and the best way to do that is to give him a reason to plan a prank back against us.”

 

Remus nods, thinking. “That sounds about right,” he says through the tail end of a mouthful of honeydukes finest, “but he’ll pull James in as a ringer, and I have to say, one of us is usually the voice of reason in these things.”

 

Lily points at him with a square of chocolate. “See, I’ve thought of that. I knew we were the brains of this operation, so I already briefed Potter on the whole thing, and he’s going to come to me before they actually execute anything.”

 

“He’s Potter again now?” Remus remarks, “I thought you two had become so close.”

 

Lily looks at Remus and for a second he can see the fire she usually hides behind her penchant for the order. “Rule number one Rem, don’t humanize the enemy.” She winks. “Lemme tell you what I’ve got up my sleeve.”

  
  


Remus and Lily’s Prank For The Ages is a complicated affair that includes permanent glitter, undetectable pockets, a delayed combustion charm, and the careful planning that insures that neither Remus nor Lily can pointed to as a culprit. For Remus this means that he is standing just close enough to have glitter make it to his left arm. To guarantee Lily’s innocence the charm goes off during potions. (“My favorite class Professor, and those boys seem determined to ruin it.”) Generally, administration decides that James and Sirius have done this to themselves to create public havoc, and the two are given lengthy assignments on the removal of permanence spells and charms. In the hall after the boys are let out of their meeting with Professor McGonagall they eye Remus and Lily with contempt.

 

James’ eyes sparkle something fierce as he looks Lily dead in the eye. “You know what they say, Lils. All’s fair.”

 

Lily smirks at James, and Sirius looks over her head at Remus. Remus sticks out his tongue at Sirius and tries to not show how elated he is that Sirius can smile.

 

Sirius runs a hand through glitter streaked hair. “Watch yourself, Lupin.”

 

Remus thinks that it’s quite ironic that as Sirius says this he can't tear his eyes away.

  
  
  


For some reason, Remus had assumed that Lily would warn him when James came to her to run by the prank idea. Perhaps it is the part of him that had forgotten that under her veneer of basic human decency she is actually a criminal mastermind. Either way, this means that he is wholly unprepared when his trousers start to shrink during herbology. Lily’s skirt seems to be doing the same, and it is all Remus Lupin can do to keep from yelping as the seams of his uniform split in unison. Lily manages to pull her robes around her before her skirt is destroyed, but it is a close call. Remus’ robe has been taken off if preparation for their replanting practical happening today and has no opportunity for this maneuver. He is left in his pants and school sweater, glaring at Sirius, who if he weren't so goddamn happy would really make him fume.

 

Sirius looks like there is part of a joke that the rest of them are not a part of, “Well, well, well, Moony. Really trying to live up to the nickname I see.”

 

Remus narrows his eyes and shakes his head, watching as Sirius and James are escorted from the room, bumping past Snape in the process.

  


After that it is christmas break, and Remus almost doesn't worry about Sirius going home with James for the holiday.

Sort of.

He isn’t worried in the sense that he knows that James can function at about 45% of the impulse control that Remus usually provides, and that can last them the two weeks without any major meltdown, but he does still fret for the signs that James -in all of his unsubtle glory- is sure to miss. There’s really nothing for it, and the holidays approach regardless. The boys all return to England, sorting into their respective family dwellings, and gifts are exchanged via owl post.

 

The last few years have featured 24/7 christmas bonding time, it feels strange to send his friends their gifts in the mail, so even as Remus receives presents from both Prongs and Pete, he decides to wait for the resume of school to give his own. When he doesn’t get anything from Sirius he assumes that the other boy is doing the same. This would be easier to convince himself of if Sirius would answer his letters, something that the other boy is definitely not doing.

 

Remus tries to shake this off as he returns to school, already slightly sluggish from the fast advancing full moon. It’s set to run the week after they return to Hogwarts, and Remus wants this to be another thing that snaps Sirius back to himself. The dark haired boy is always at his best after a long run as padfoot.

 

The first night back in their dormitories the ungiven gifts from Sirius and Remus are passed out. Sirius gives James and Peter each a vial of liquid luck that he somehow had the time to brew(?), and Remus tries not to flinch when Sirius gives him nothing. He gives James and Pete their presents and folds the envelope meant for Sirius under his arms, frowning. Sirius looks much too happy to not be getting anything. Peter watches this all go down with questions swimming in his eyes, but smacks James when he starts to comment.

 

Later, after Remus has pretended to go to sleep, but remains stiffly awake under his curtains reading, Sirius Black sneaks into his bed. Remus is surprised, but not because it is the first time that it’s happened.

Sirius used to crawl into James’ bed, but James kicked him out one night when he thought Lily might take him up on an offer. She didn’t, but Sirius never goes back, and instead spends his time peeking through Remus’ curtains until he gets an invitation. Tonight he does not wait for an affirmative nod from Remus, just scoots himself up to the foot of the bed and waves his wand. Remus feels the slide of a silencing charm fall over them and shivers, looking at Sirius warily.

 

“I know you’re cross because you think I’ve forgotten about you, Moony.” He pulls a red wrapped package from behind his back. “But I love you far too much for that.”

 

Remus feels the tenseness in his chest dissipate as he smiles at his friend, and he grabs the letter that he stowed on his nightstand. When he turns back to Sirius, the boy is almost twitching, looking more nervous by the second. Something about seeing the boy that he has _loved forever_ acting like this, sends Remus into a tailspin of hoping too hard. “What.” He says dumbly.”

 

“You have to- ah-” Sirius shoves the package into Remus’ lap, hardly slowing when Remus lets out a breath at the weight of it. “Just open mine first.”

 

Under the red wrap that Remus has no doubt that Sirius chose for it’s un-ironic relation to their house, is a huge book. The title reads, Exploring the Stars; An Ever Changing Tale. As he comprehends the title, his eyes start to water, and he lets out another small huff.

 

“No don’t cry, Moony. You haven’t even gotten to the- you have to open the book.”

 

Remus does. He wishes he could scream, and maybe he could, Sirius did put up that silencing charm, but instead he goes quiet, _silent_ , and can't breathe.

 

Sirius does not look like he is taking Remus’ reaction for what it is. “It’s a wizarding book, it’ll change with new discoveries, and it was written by a half-blood so it has lots of muggle star sciences and stuff that you like. If you already have it or something, I can return it but the certificate is non-refundable.”

 

The piece of paper that Sirius is talking about is the star naming license that is tucked into the front of the book. Sirius Black, that stupid, stupid boy has named a star after him.

 

“Sirius, this is perfect.” Remus watches as his friend looks relieved. He feels like maybe his gift is not as spectacular anymore, but it was something that made Remus think of him, so hopefully…

 

He forgets however, that his gift will require a bit of explaining. Sirius looks at him with questions in his eyes, “What’s The Garage?”

 

“It’s this concert venue in London, they do wizard and muggle bands. Dad cleared out a boggart infestation for them over the summer so-” The slips that Sirius holds declare that the owner of them also holds pases to concerts for the month of July. “You said you wanted to experience more punk rock. Most of July is punk, there are a couple pretty big bands, but mostly it’s fairly local. I know it’s not much but, like,” Remus shrugs. “Happy Christmas.”

 

Sirius smirks and hands one certificate to Remus. “I hope you’re ready for a very punk summer, Remy Loopy.”

 

Remus grins.

 

***

  


February passes in the too quick manner that the 28 days always do. The last two days of the month lead up to another full moon and Remus can feel the trepidation in his bones. Sirius has spent the last two weeks pretending that he is functioning at 100%, while also talking circles around anything important that comes up in conversation, so there’s something off there, but honestly Remus can be bothered to worry about more than himself this week, and last week he thought it was a phase. These facts being true, he goes into the full moon with not nearly enough information.

  


***

  


He wakes up in the hospital wing feeling worse than he has in a long time, the aching of his bones that always accompany the full moon paired with a stiff ache in his spine and a sharp pain over his right thigh. He starts to move, only to be stopped by restraints connecting him to the bed. At the jingle of the chains attached to the padded handcuffs he’s wearing, Madam Pomfrey appears looking more stressed than he’s seen her since third year, before he had a ragtag pack of mismatched animals to keep him sane.

 

“How are you feeling, Mr. Lupin?” Pomfrey says

 

“Um,” Remus says, and he wants to say good, or even fine, but every breath hurts and he doesn’t remember anything from the full moon. Because he can’t give the answer he thinks Pomfrey wants to hear, he rattles the chains on his wrists again, “What’s going on?”

 

Pomfrey pales, “Well, Mr. Lupin, I’m not sure I should be the one to explain the events of the last couple days.”

 

Remus wishes he could bang his head against the wall. Unfortunately there are several roadblocks prohibiting that option, not the first of which being that he isn’t completely positive that he could move that far if he wanted to. “Where’s Sirius?” he asks, then hears himself, then adds, “and the boys? They usually bring me back-” but then he’s said too much to Pomfrey, who until now had been pretending very studiously that she had no idea about any Gryffindor extracurriculars.

 

Pomfrey purses her lips, “Mr. Black has been in lock down under your head of house for the last 48 hours, but I’m sure that the rest of your little gang will be down as soon as they hear that you’ve come to.”

 

There are so many questions circling in Remus’ mind that he doesn’t know where to start. He still isn’t quite sure that this is real life, so it seems like it would be nonsensical to query his own dream. Instead he lies back in the hospital bed and tries to understand what is going on. Somewhere about 10 minutes into the proceedings, he falls back asleep.

  


***

  


The next time he wakes, he finds himself going through the same motions of rattling his handcuffs, turning to Madam Pomfrey in question before he remembers. Or, well really he remembers that he doesn’t know anything. There is a shouting at the door and Remus connects some dots, this is what woke him up. It sounds like James outside the hospital wing, the way he’s going on about how his father will hear about this. Remus sighs, and looks mournfully at Pomfrey.

 

“Oh alright.” She says to his sad-confused-innocent eyes that were only half acting. “I’ll get the door.” She moves, but Remus rattles his chains again and doesn’t stop the pitiful look. She is not as fooled as at first glance. “Hmm, well I suppose those are no longer necessary.”

 

Remus does not respond to this, but he is glad that she takes off the cuffs before going to the door and speaking briskly to whoever’s(James) in the hall(James) making all the racket (definitely James.) He ached to ask why they were necessary at all, but he’s afraid he won’t like the answer.

 

His friends enter the hospital wing in very strange foils of one another. Peter walks very quietly, and is fidgeting with his hands, looking very much like he doesn’t want to be there at all. James on the other hand walks in like a man on a mission. As he reaches Remus’ bed he braces himself as if he were going to come under fire. James crosses his arms and Remus is suddenly very glad he was propped up for this discussion.

 

“Did you know about this?” James asks, right as Remus completely loses it.

 

“ _What_ is going on?” He almost sobs. “I woke up _handcuffed_ to the bed.”

 

Peter flinches, and the heat in James’ demeanor changes drastically. “Okay.” he says. And Remus can feel the tears falling down his face. “Hey, hey. It’s gonna be fine, Moony. We’ll tell you what happened.”

  


What happened is that Sirius Black, the boy that Remus Lupin pinned all his hopes and dreams to, is a colossal prat. A fucking idiot. The worst thing that ever happened to Remus Lupin. He is worse than all of these things, but Remus doesn’t have the words to accurately describe the betrayal he is feeling.

 

From what has been pieced together over the last few days, Snape went up to Sirius after the Get Padfoot Out of a Funk Prank Spree and demanded that he stop pulling Evans into their silly feuds. The was also, allegedly, a threat of violence made against Remus’ person. Then there were words exchanged, supposedly on the matter of Remus’ ability to defend himself, and a time and place given for Snape to really see “what he was up against.” And that’s why Sirius and Snape are both on lockdown with their respective heads of house. Snape was injured in the fight, and no one was completely sure who did it, so he was under watch for the next month, and Sirius was being called, “A Danger To Himself And Others” and was not allowed out of McGonagall’s sight.

 

Two days later, Remus is let out of the hospital wing, slightly worse for wear, but he didn’t create these wounds himself so his body is much more forgiving. He goes to his dormitory and changes his clothes, sits down on his bed and cries. It is one in the afternoon, so the room is empty, but still he closes his curtains and puts up a silencing charm. He is so angry with Sirius that he almost thinks he could be really violent, but he knows that hitting Sirius won’t really smack sense into him. To make matters worse, he _loves_ Sirius, so it is very hard to stay mad at him so he gets mad at himself. That’s how love works, Remus supposes. If you love someone and they do stupid shit, you think you should have seen it coming. How can you say you love them if you don’t know them, and if you know them you should have seen it coming.

 

There is no remedy for feeling this way.

 

And Remus thought things were going so well.

  


***

  


After that it’s third year all over again. Remus and Sirius don’t talk, and James and Peter act as weird little go betweens. James’ interactions with the boy he has called his brother for the last five years are suddenly tense and full of clipped words. Pete is nicer in his interactions, but Remus thinks that it’s more because he’s afraid to be a bad person than he thinks that Sirius isn’t one.

 

Remus watches the stars alone, and refuses to get out the maps that he added Sirius to, limiting himself to the few that make no mention of the Canis constellations at all.

 

He still sees them in the sky though. For some reason as hard as he tries to stop seeing Sirius in the night sky, the stars shine brighter. Remus thinks that it must be some kind of sick joke that his one true passion would be ruined by his one true love. Immediately after this thought, he chides himself for such fanciful notions of romance. Lupins do not wish on stars, they go out and work for what they want, it’s just that Remus is no longer sure that this deserves his effort. He can’t continue to love a boy this much for nothing in return but heartache and dire consequences. If Sirius wants to fix this, it’s going to be an uphill battle.

  


***

  


In the middle of May, Remus starts to feel like his tower nights might not be so lonely after all. He has spent this long without Sirius, why would he need him at all. Perhaps the sky now answers when Remus asks it questions of the universe, or maybe there is a ghost somewhere near in the downstairs corridor. The cold of winter in Scotland has slowly but surely turned to the wetness of spring, and has even started it’s turn toward the warm summer months, so it could be the weather giving him this positive outlook. Snape is no longer under werewolf watch, and even though Sirius hasn’t been about for monthly adventures, there have been no major incidents, so Remus’ body feels light.

  
  


After a week of clear skies and warmer tower visits, there is already someone sitting atop the stones of the astronomy tower when Remus gets there. It takes one look at a shock of too long dark hair for Remus to realize that Sirius is up there, slouching so low he could be asleep, James’ invisibility cloak fallen around his knees. It takes another 2.8 seconds after recognition for Remus to jump to the conclusion that Sirius is the reason that he has not felt so alone the last week. The boy could have been getting here early to just silently hang onto Remus’ company.

 

He thinks that he should still be mad at Sirius. Knows he should be. But he _loves_ Sirius, and really he isn’t so terribly good at being properly angry, so Remus decides that he will remain just moderately peeved until persuaded otherwise. He misses Sirius at least as much as Sirius has missed him, more probably due to the whole being in love with him thing. Remus lets the trap door of the tower **thunk** instead of shutting it the careful way he usually does, in an effort to wake Sirius up without having to go over and shake him. Sirius startles and gives Remus a wide set of eyes when he realizes he’s been caught.

 

“Sirius.” Remus says finally. He’s also no good at prolonged silence.

 

“Remus.” Sirius replies, and it sounds like a plea.

 

“I don’t really suppose that this is your first night following me up here.”

 

Sirius flushes and fiddles with the cloak. “That would be... correct.”

 

Remus makes no move to continue conversation, but spreads his constellation maps across the floor and begins his nightly routine. Sirius seems afraid to make a noise, should Remus decide he is actually not worth it after all and passes the night silently, putting up warming spells as particularly strong winds come along.

 

When one in the morning comes along, Remus folds his parchment and stands to head back to the dorms. “Coming?” He asks Sirius, who has been eerily quiet up to that point.

 

Sirius lets out a small breath, like he forgot that he was allowed to exist in the same place as Remus, and maybe he did. If he’s been sneaking to the tower before Remus for as long as the other boy thinks he has, he probably became accustomed to being as silent as possible. Sirius nods and follows Remus back to the house tower. At the end of the night, both Remus and Sirius can feel how long this mending will take.  It will get easier from here.

***  


Fixing a friendship is no easy task. There are a lot of false starts. Remus doesn’t acknowledge Sirius in public, and he knows that people outside of the marauders (and Lily, but she basically is a marauder now) are uneasy about the rift that seemed to form between friends overnight, it must be confusing to see a gang closer than brothers suddenly stop talking to one of their members. The general consensus is that Remus and Sirius really were dating and Sirius did something truly awful, something bad enough that the whole group takes his side. Remus wishes that this was further from the truth. He had been working up the nerve all year to tell Sirius this whole thing about how he was in love with him, was so close to doing it and then- well. If Remus believed in a higher power he’d think that these might be signs from above.

  


A week before summer holiday, Remus realizes. Remus realizes that he has to be the one to say something. The past weeks he’s been waiting for something to change, for all of this to go back to normal, and sitting at breakfast it occurs to him that he might have to be the one to change things. He looks to James and Peter, both sitting across from him, and to Sirius who is sitting on the bench much farther away than he would have a few months ago. Sirius looks up and holds his gaze, Remus can feel the part of his mind that can't stop being in love with Sirius yelling.

 

“Alright, Padfoot.” he says, trying to find his own footing.

 

Sirius smiles, and his lips say thank you without moving. “‘Course, Rem.”

 

James and Pete watch with careful eyes, Peter’s squinting and James’ hopeful, he too has missed his best friend. Remus turns to them.

 

“This doesn’t break us.” he says, “Snape is fine. I am fine. Sirius is beating himself up for it. James, you have to live with him all summer.” he gestures between them with his fork. “Kiss and make up.”

 

James still looks hesitant, but Sirius’ puppy dog eyes could move mountains. Prongs looks like he wants to say more but after a look from Remus, bites his tongue.

 

“You got it, Moony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you notice any grammar stuff lmk, i had a v hard time rereading this so good luck. also thanks to Nightmaidens for being the kick in the butt that i needed to actually finish this
> 
> also the chap count went up again whoops


	8. Remus and Sirius' Summer of Punk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mini chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo, i guess im not dead is just what i start all my chapters with now so its cool  
> this is real short but i am a student who has to do actual work as well.   
> i also got a job so thats p chill

Remus,

 

We’re really not mad at Sirius anymore right? Like I know that you did all the olive branch talking, but Sirius is still acting like he’s hiding something. I know you two have your weird muggle/wizard music month coming up, and I just want you to be careful. Maybe there’s more to this than we actually know. 

 

In other news, mum has completely given up on gardening. She says it’s because she was rubbish at it, but I think it might be because dad can't really keep up with her anymore. She used to drag him around the estate with her, and now it’s so much harder for him to breathe. Mum says that as soon as she can talk him into seeing a healer he’ll be better though. I know I can be stubborn, Rem, but at least I come by it honestly. 

 

Let me know if Sirius tells you anything he doesn’t tell me.

 

-James

 

P.S. Pete went home to his mum again, what a drag, but you can hardly tell he’s gone.

  
  
  


Moony,

 

Trust you to find the most economically efficient Christmas present in existence. I’m still as enthusiastic as the day I got it. That’s a whole six months of excitement. 

 

I know that Moony and Padfoot’s Summer of Punk is still two weeks away, but I’ve already started planning my outfits. Is it weird to wear the merch of a band that isn’t playing to a concert? I’ve only ever been to the one, and The Harpy Orchestra isn’t exactly Weird Sisters. I’m thinking that the two have different standards of dress. 

 

I found this thrift store down the road from the pub Jamie and I go to and they had tonnes of cool punk stuff. I got a leather jacket that still had the tags on it and everything. I know I go on about your rebel image, but really I was just jealous. Now that I have the rebel look of our gang under control, you can buy more of your swotty jumpers and the feng shui of our group will remain intact.

 

I really am excited, Remy. I know that you’re really hard on yourself about these things, so you should know that this is the best thing that anyone’s ever gotten for me. I wish I could put myself in this envelope so I could mail myself to you and tell you that over and over again in person. 

 

Love ya, Moonpie. See you in 13 days.

 

-Sirius

 

P.S. Don’t think that it’s escaped my notice that you and Jamie are gossiping about me. I asked him what he was writing in his letter and he moved his parchment so fast I thought he’d been burned.  I’m fine, and I hope I’m not in more trouble with either of you. Again.

  
  
  


Remus,

 

I had to go home to my mum again this summer. James got weird about it, but it seems like he’s weird about most things these days. It’s not my fault that I love my family as well as his. All I was doing at his anyway was listening to the two of them talk about you and Lily. 

 

Hope your summer is going well. 

Pete

  
  
  
  


James,

 

No, I’m not mad at Sirius anymore. So long as I refrain from thinking about the incident as much as possible, I’m hardly mad at all. I know it’s supposed to be forgive and forget, but honestly I would settle for just forget. I think it would be easier.

 

I am always careful around Sirius. He’s a walking time bomb, but no one knows if it’s armed. Does that make sense? I just mean I never know what to say without dredging up the worst in him. I’ve hidden things from him before so I don’t think that keeping him in the dark about our latent suspicions is going to be that hard. So long as you don't crack under this pressure. 

 

I hope your dad gets better. Mine says that Muggles have problems with their lungs all the time, and they’re usually fine, so if he goes to see the healers like your mum wants he’ll be all good. We all knew that you got your bullheadedness from your dad. Not just anyone would pull the heir from the noble and most ancient house of Black out from under the matriarch's nose. 

 

Pete wrote me that he just wants to spend time with his family. You would miss yours too, James Potter. You do when you’re away for a while. 

 

See you inevitably,

Remus

  
  
  


Padfoot,

I think that James has just as much right to privacy in his letters as you do, don’t tell me that you want him knowing that you’re agonizing over concert wear. He’s just looking out for you. Wearing the merch of one punk band to another punk band’s show is perfectly acceptable. Makes you seem like you know what’s going on. 

 

I’m sure that your rebel image is just as perfectly functional now as it was before you owned a leather jacket. I might have the scar, but you’re the one who cut all ties with his immediate family, that definitely says individual thinker. 

 

I have a hard time believing that a set of concert passes that also benefit the giver of the gift are really the best thing that you’ve ever received, but I am glad you like the present. If you want to come to mine a few days before, I can show you around the neighborhood and we can do boys in the city things. If you want. 

 

See you soon,

Remus

  
  
  
  


My dearest Remus,

 

I very much do want that. See you soon my darling.

 

Padfoot

  
  
  
  
  


Because Sirius Black, Teen Disaster™, gives no real time that he plans to arrive, Remus expects that he will interpret ‘a few days early’ as ‘show up when you want’. That turns out to be about what happens, and on Wednesday the week before their concert passes start, Remus answers his door to Sirius’ smiling face. This part, was a bit unexpected. 

 

Remus squinted at his friend, “I thought you were coming through the floo. How did you get here?”

 

Sirius looks giddy. “Moony, love, I’m so glad you asked. Come outside.” He waits for Remus to throw on the only shoes by the entry, his work boots, and follow him out the door. “I don’t know if you heard about my great uncle Alphard’s passing,” Sirius asks and waits for Remus to nod along. It had been big news in June, he was one of Witch Weekly’s top bachelors for almost 10 years in the ‘50’s. 

 

“Well, it turns out, Rem, that the reason he was so tragically single, is that he wasn’t. The man I knew as his valet, Timothy, was  _ actually his gay lover _ .” He says this with a self satisfied smirk that could have as easily been found on a cat who ate the canary. “ _ So,  _ in retaliation for my mother’s never ceasing hate speech, he wrote everyone out of the will outside of me, and aunt Andy, and Tim of course.” 

 

Remus just blinked. “Wow.”

 

“Yeah, so anyway now I have all this money again.” Sirius rubs the back of his neck, he can feel the tension between them. 

 

He knows how Remus feels about money in their friend group. Sirius and James grew up in manors, on the kind of properties better surmised as estates. They went on holiday to second homes and dropped ridiculous amounts on new dress robes every year. 

 

Remus lived in a part of London that could be charitably described as ‘past its prime’. His father drove an old carpenter’s van to his various creature clean out jobs, and his mother ran a small tailoring operation out of the front of their house. The paint on the shutters was peeling, and the street tar was almost run down to the older cobblestones underneath. It was clear that Remus didn’t exist in the same social standing as the two other boys.

 

Sirius’ can tell he hit a nerve, wants anything to go back to where Moony was happy to see him.“But also, Tim said I could take the motorbike!” 

 

And Remus realizes why they are standing in his front garden. The bike in front of the kerb is all chrome and black, shiny enough to see his reflection in. “Holy shit.” He says aloud, because what else is there to say. 

 

“Pretty much.” says Sirius. “So if you don’t mind, I brought us a ride for our adventures.”

 

Remus grins, “I know where we should go first.”

  
  


***

  
  


Where they first go is out for lunch. There is a small shop down the road, and a park a little farther where they stop to eat. Remus watches Sirius’ dramatic reenactments of his summer so far at the Potter’s, and they throw chips at the pigeons that eye their food.

 

On the way back to Remus’ house, Sirius stops the bike so fast that the other boy goes crashing into his back, hold tightening to keep from falling off. It is then that Remus realizes exactly how damning riding around behind Sirius for a month could be. Before, he was giving directions, he had something other than his arms around his best friend to focus on. Now in this second as they stop, while he is pressed so close, it is all he can do to not breathe in the smell of Sirius’ hair. Remus takes a moment to come to terms with his surroundings.

 

Turning to look around, Remus tries to figure out the reason for their sudden halt. He squints at the slightly dingy pink awning. “Why are we stopped at a bakery?”

 

Sirius chuckles, “That’s not why we stopped, though we can get you a chocolate croissant after. We stopped for this.” He points to the only other open business on the street, a brick building with a green sign advertising 25% off tattoos on Wednesdays. “I’m going to get a tattoo.” Sirius says, as if this is the most sensible thing in the world.

 

Remus snorts, “No you are not.”

 

“Yes I am. It’s a quarter off on Wednesdays. That's a good deal.

 

“You can’t just suddenly decide to get a tattoo, Sirius. Those are permanent.” Remus decides not to say exactly how hot he finds the idea. If it wouldn’t blow up Sirius’ ego any further he would comment on the cementation of his rebel status. 

 

“I’m not suddenly deciding, I’ve had an idea for a while. I even sketched it out. Beside, if I don't like it I can have it magically removed. It’s not  _ that _ permanent.” Sirius hopped off the bike and then tugged at Remus’ sleeve. “Come on, Moony. You can watch and everything. It’s nothing too crazy.”

 

Remus lets himself be pulled off the bike, but continues with his now waning discouragement. If Sirius really has thought about this as much as he says, then maybe it isn’t up to Remus to stop him. 

 

“Siri, are you sure-” Remus is saying as they cross the threshold, but his sentence falters at the interior of the shop. The wallpaper is what seems to be purple velvet, even though the majority of the space is taken up by framed art. The front counter is the same green as the outside, and apart from the obvious chaos of the walls, it is a well lit organized space. It almost makes Remus not worry about what Sirius is about to do. 

 

The girl at the front desk looks way more professional than Remus would have expected. She has her hair cut in a short bob and greets them when they come in. 

 

“Hi, welcome to Mabel’s tattoos and piercings. I’m Myrtle.  How can I help you today.”

 

Sirius pulls Remus up to the desk and then doesn’t let go of his hand. Remus isn’t sure if he should pull it away, he doesn’t want to so he doesn’t. 

 

“Do you take walk ins?” Sirius asks, and Remus gets the feeling he must have done more research into this than he was aware of. 

 

The girl gestures to the empty shop, “It’s all you, pal.” she says.

 

“Perfect.” Sirius lets go of Remus and goes digging in his pockets. 

 

Remus tries not to miss Sirius’ hand in his. 

 

“I kind of drew something out,” Sirius is saying, angling the crumpled paper so that Remus can't see. When Remus makes a noise of displeasure about this, Sirius throws an arm around his shoulders, “It’s a surprise, Moony.” he whispers. 

 

The Myrtle looks like she wants to say something as she looks from the paper to the two boys, but she just shakes her head and grabs a sketch pad from the counter. “I’m gonna need a minute to make this workable. Is there anything else you need.”

 

There is a moment when Remus thinks that he is going to let Sirius say, that no, there isn’t anything else they need, but for some reason what comes out of his mouth is. “I think I want a lip ring.”

 

Remus can hear Sirius’ neck pop as he jerks his head toward Remus. “ _ Moony. _ ” he says sounding scandalized, “A  _ lip ring _ ?”

 

“Yeah,” Remus shrugs, “like right in the middle.” He touches his bottom lip. “Is there a name for that?”

 

“There are alot of names for different lip piercings,” the girl goes to explain, “but, yeah. I know what you mean. John could tell you the history of every single one of them, but he isn’t in today.”

 

Remus deflates, “Oh.”

 

“No, no, I can do it.” Myrtle says. “I’m certified and everything, John’s just super into like, the history of body mod and shit. Sorry, body mod stuff. I’m not supposed to swear working desk.” 

 

Remus and Sirius both smile, and Myrtle turns to a set of drawers and rummages through them. “As far as lip rings, you aren’t really supposed to start with them, you should probably do a stud first, but you can buy a ring for when you’re healed enough.” she sets a few little studs on the counter, as well as a couple of hoops. 

 

Remus looks at their silver color and gets nervous. “What are they made out of?” 

 

“Some are steel and some are titanium.” Myrtle points as she speaks. “If you have any heavy metal allergies I would go with the titanium. It’s hypoallergenic. The use it when they pierce babies’ ears.”

 

“I’ll go with that.” Remus says, nodding. The word Hypoallergenic is foreign, and sounds a bit like science, so it must be good.

 

The shop girl picks up one of the studs and the sketchbook again, “I’m gonna go and get a station ready, and redraw this. I’ll just be a moment.”

 

“Bet I’ll be healed enough by tomorrow to put in the hoop.” Remus whispers to Sirius.

 

Sirius narrows his eyes like he still doesn’t quite believe what’s happening, “I could whack you with a healing charm the second we leave the shop. No bet.” he nudges Remus in the stomach. “We talked about this, Rem. I’m supposed to be the bad boy. You’re my nerdy lady love.”

 

“I’m not your lady anything.” Remus rolls his eyes. “Your talk of how impermanent this all is made me do it, so you should be blaming yourself.”

 

Sirius gives him an indignant look and opens his mouth to day something, but stops when Myrtle comes back. 

 

“Okay boys,” She says, “What are we doing first?”

 

Remus points to Sirius as he turns to ask the question with his eyes. “Get your tattoo, Pads. This was your idea.”

  
  


Sirius sits in the chair, and Myrtle explains the process, getting the equipment set while she does it. When she starts, Sirius wrinkles his nose so hard that Remus thinks he might pop a blood vessel.

 

“Okay?” Remus asks at his contorted face.

 

“It’s like a stinging hex.” He says, nose still scrunched.

 

Myrtle gives Sirius a look, but doesn’t say anything, if Remus had to guess, he’d say that this is nowhere near the weirdest thing she’s heard.

 

The girl finishes Sirius’ tattoo, and he grins widely as he looks at it before she covers it, and pulls down his sleeve. Remus makes a sound of disbelief, and looks at Sirius with hurt eyes. 

 

“At home, Moony. It’s a surprise.” He rolls his eyes at Remus’ face. “You’re not going to get anywhere with those puppy dog eyes, Lupin.”

 

Remus snorts, “Oh, I’m the dog.” He says, and Sirius doesn’t answer. Just as well, Myrtle is raising her eyebrows.

 

“So, are we doing a lip piercing then?” She says to Remus.

 

“Definitely.”

  
  
  


Later, as they walk out of the shop, Remus’ lip still smarting, Sirius knocks their shoulders together. It is quiet for a few moments.

 

“Everytime I try and go and be the bad boy, Lupin…” He says, sounding far too smug for his own good. Remus knocks his shoulder back. “You go pull out all the stops, try and make sure you’re still the worst of us.”

 

Remus frowns, “I’m not trying to be anything. What’s that supposed to mean?” He tries not to look hurt by Sirius’ words, but it’s hard to layer lies on top of one another, and he is already busy pretending that Sirius’ rhythmic shoulder bumping isn’t making him want to grab the boy by the arms and kiss him.

 

“I know you’re not trying to be anything, you berk.” Sirius rolls his eyes, “That’s what makes it so loveable.” 

 

Remus’ face goes red, and he hopes that Sirius will attribute it to the mild exertion, and not what he’s said. They keep walking, past Sirius’ motorbike that they arrived on, and around the corner. Remus shrugs, and mumbles nothing in particular, hands shoved as far in his pockets as they’ll go.

 

“You know I’m serious.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes, “Haha.” he says flatly, “you’re always Sirius.” 

 

“No, I mean-” Sirius cuts off as Remus’ face breaks into a smirk. “You may look harmless, but you are the absolute worst, Remus Lupin.”

 

Remus looks at the sky, they’ve been walking for a while, there are a few blocks between them and Sirius’ bike, and the sky is darkening, rain imminent. “We should head back.” Remus says, instead of pursuing the avenue of conversation that Sirius seems to be headed for. He can only handle so much fondness in Sirius’ voice and he’s nearing his limit. 

 

Evidently, Sirius has decided that this has to be harder than it needs to be, he grabs Remus’ hand and pulls, “Come on, Rem. Race you back!” 

 

And Remus is only a man, so he runs all the way back, hand feeling almost too warm in Sirius’, smiling so hard it hurts.

 

***

 

The next day, Remus Lupin makes himself a promise. It is uncomplicated to vow that he will not say anything to the man that Sirius Black is becoming. It is easy to say to himself that he will not take matters into his own hands and kiss Sirius Black’s too smug face. It is simple to do because he is not staring into those grey eyes that always seem to know too much and easy to delude himself.

 

So he does. 

 

And he forgets that he was ever angry with Sirius Black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you with the last chap ideally before the new year but idk who knows.

**Author's Note:**

> IM GONNA YEET MYSELF


End file.
